In which we load up our lower lip alongside the Minnesota Vikings, scold Cam Newton, anticipate firing Marc Trestman, and cower from Angry Reasonable Kirk Cousins.
The Minnesota Vikings are quietly establishing a new model of success for the NFL: making terrible health choices. Granted, playing football is itself an extremely terrible health choice, so there's already some groundwork laid for the advancement of this approach. The Vikings, however, are taking it the extra mile.As was reported early yesterday, Adrian Peterson's status for Sunday's game against the Detroit Lions was cast into doubt, due to his vomiting on the team flight after turbulence caused him to swallow a lipful of chewing tobacco. As media insiders can attest, AP packs a mighty lip.
Sure, Peterson has since denied it was chew that caused him to vomit on the plane. He has instead cited a shellfish allergy as the reason for his sickness, though it's clear he's trying to keep team secrets from getting out. The NFL is a copycat league, after all.It's not just the team's star running back who has taken to bad habits; it was revealed last week that the Vikings have a team donut club that meets on Saturday mornings. There are few foods worse for you than donuts. All that processed sugar and carbs. You might as well be signing up for a nap every time you eat one. I am writing from a position of knowledge here: in addition to poorly writing about football, I also work part-time as a furniture mover, because I'm poor and unqualified for everything. More often than any other food, customers want to offer movers donuts. Why? Why give someone you have hired to move your stuff food that is guaranteed to make them sluggish? I'll never understand it. That may be my lack of a NFL mentality, though, because it's clearly working wonders for this football team.
On Sunday, after falling behind early to the Lions, the Vikings came storming back. By the end of the game, the celebratory tins of chew started appearing. Skoal Vikings! Even head coach Mike Zimmer took part. That's not the sort of behavior one might expect from a head coach, though it's hardly out of character for Zimmer, who keeps a stag head on the wall of his office.
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This is a fine start, but the Vikings need to find ways to build on the formula for further success. A new WHO report indicating that red meat causes cancer means that every Vikings player will have to eat a rib eye just prior to kickoff for maximum performance-enhancing effect. Perhaps Teddy Bridgewater can take the field while high on DMT. The possibilities are only limited by their imagination.
When even Chris Brown thinks you seem like an asshole. — Photo by Erich Schlegel-USA TODAY Sports
Greg Hardy, Still a Menace to EveryoneShocking news this week: Greg Hardy remains a remorseless, toxic trashperson. Now, instead of directing his aggression toward the women in his life, he's doing it to his coaches and teammates. When confronted after the game by the media, Hardy pulled the ol' Marshawn Lynch routine of giving the same dismissive answer—"No comment, next question," a truly classic own—before leaving the locker room. Whereas Lynch's act was understandable because was brushing off inane queries about how it felt to score a winning touchdown amid the loathsome spectacle of Super Bowl Media Week, Hardy is declining to respond to substantive questions about his disruptive behavior, which makes it a little more difficult to tolerate. Naturally, Jerry Jones to continues to defend Hardy, calling him a leader even after this latest incident.More to point, where was Dez Bryant's new pet monkey during the sideline fracas? Should have been there to tear out Hardy's eyes and pee on his head. The monkey is new, so it gets a pass this time. It'll have to learn quick.
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The Yahoo Streaming Experience: It Was Fine
Week 7 was a big one for #content delivery systems, as the NFL had its first game available only through online streaming: the Bills-Jaguars game in London. I watched the entire thing and have few complaints, which is significant because I complain about most everything. The quality of the picture dipped a few times, but there were few interruptions in the feed. Even Yahoo's audio feed of blogger commentary was interesting and fun, even if it was only accessible through the language filter, which makes it appear as though "fantasy" is a nerd patois outside of English and Spanish. Which, actually, might not be wrong.NFL executives believe it was the most streamed sporting event in U.S. history and probably the most streamed video with the exception of lots and lots of porn. According to the NFL's loftiest nugget baron, Peter King, the league was so pleased with the results that there very well could be a Thursday night and a Sunday night game streamed in 2016. (There are, naturally, plenty of reasons to believe this is bullshit.) Golly gosh, the future is now.Kirk Cousins, the World's Most Aggro NPR Listener
In a bizarre twist, Kirk Cousins actually had a good game on Sunday, leading his Washington-area NFL team back from a 24-0 second-quarter deficit to a 31-30 victory over the lowly Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Everybody had a good laugh at Cousins barking at the media after the game, though I can't say I entirely blame Captain Kirk for letting off some steam after spending all last week getting criticized for everything from his leadership to his love of NPR and HGTV. Frankly, I hope Kirk keeps it going and calls in to all the local NPR shows in DC to let them have it. Diane Rehm and Kojo Nnamdi won't know what hit 'em. Give 'em hell, Kirk.
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"Terrance Knighton Is Selfless" - Terrance Knighton
Ima say this and say this once. My job is not to make 10 tackles and have 3 sacks. I get damn near double teamed every play. Selfless player
Kirk Cousins' outburst may have garnered the majority of the attention, but let's not ignore R*dskins teammate Terrance "Pot Roast" Knighton dubbing himself a selfless player after the game. That shouldn't be an attribute you can self-ascribe, though maybe Pot Roast is so selfless he can transcend his own body and identify that characteristic as his spirit moves through the ether. Makes you think.Cris Collinsworth Believes Racism and Success Are Mutually ExclusiveA Philadelphia Eagles loss that featured an array of wide receiver drops is bound to include discussion of all the skill players that Chip Kelly has either sent or allowed to get away in the past few years. Naturally, that will include mentioning the accusation of racial bias that LeSean McCoy leveled at Kelly. Cris Collinsworth was not really having that, and made a very curious remark to close out his rambling thoughts on the matter. Discussing Kelly's career, Collinsworth said, "You don't get to where he is with some of the issues that was raised." Oh, for real? It must be nice to live in Collinsworth's idealized America, where it's difficult for small-minded bigots to get ahead.
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The National Football League is no place for this type of emotion, or any other. — Photo by Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports
And Now: Thoughts on CAMera Mugging from a Career Backup
For all the haters please let me explain. Cam is a really good & talented QB. Top 10 in NFL. I prefer 1 who doesn't love the CAMera so much.
Cam Newton didn't have his best stat line in Sunday night's win over the Eagles, although one of his interceptions came on another debatable call; it might have been a catch, even, if only the NFL knew how to define things like "catch." Either way, the Panthers are undefeated and Cam is a legit MVP candidate in 2015, having brought out the best in a supporting cast that can mostly be filed under "Waiver Wire X-Treme."Some folks, such as noted former backup quarterback Sage Rosenfels, have a problem with how Newton has done all this. Sage can't come up with much about Cam's game to criticize, so he knocks his tendency to court attention, as though there's a superstar quarterback in the NFL who eschews either attention or advertising dollars. Meanwhile, the most enduring play of Sage Rosenfels' career remains the time he was turned into a helicopter and fumbled.McCown, Meet Wall
Seeing Greg Hardy fight with coaches and teammates was bad enough, but we almost saw Johnny Manziel, who is currently being investigated for domestic violence, in the game on Sunday after Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Josh McCown ran into a wall early in the second quarter. McCown was allowed to stay in the game. This being the NFL, though, the circumstances surrounding that decision were highly questionable and need to be looked into, as does the Bills' decision to put LeSean McCoy immediately back in the game against the Jaguars after he took a vicious hit to the head.
In other head-injury-related news, the NFL is contributing matching funds to a research team headed by a doctor who thinks the CTE crisis is overblown and football players are mostly struggling in retirement because they aren't important famous people anymore. It's all going great.What Do These Things Have in Common?
Chartering a plane to fly your sports trash talk is a silly thing, though I admit that Jets fans have provided the world with inspired moments using this method in the past. The "Clinton/Patriots/OJ" banner that flew over Gillette Stadium yesterday could have used a little more thought, however. What is the message implied there? I suppose, approaching it from a certain political bent, it connects people who got off on various charges due to technicalities. Either way, your sport trash talk should be clearer and possibly more profane, and probably less opaquely partisan. Do better next time.Todd Bowles Watch
Back in Week 1, I promised you that Dumb Football would observe the steady deterioration of first-year head coach Todd Bowles as the responsibility of running the New York Jets surely destroys him. Yet Gang Green has been shockingly and frustratingly competent in 2015, meaning that stress has yet to prematurely age Bowles by 30 years—at least so far. The tide may have started to shift on Sunday.
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The Jets got their first crack at the AFC East standard bearers in New England, and the results were predictably Jets-y. While New York held a fourth-quarter lead, the Pats inevitably pulled away. The capstone was the Jets improbably recovering an onside kick to give them a chance to tie the game on a miracle play, only to draw an illegal procedure penalty in the final moments, resulting in a 10-second runoff that ended the game. As you can see, it was enough to make Bowles's face start to collapse on itself. It'll get there yet.Fan of the Week
Cheers to Ashley—Queen Trashley, if you're nasty—who was set to celebrate her 24th birthday late last week with a visit to Levi's Stadium to watch her beloved San Francisco 49ers take on the hated Seattle Seahawks. Not that it should have come as a huge surprise, but the Niners got trashed by the defending NFC champs.As some point during the game, an inflatable penis bearing the name of 49ers owner Jed York fell to Ashley from the upper reaches of the stadium, like manna from heaven, so she and her friend posted a photo with it on social media, as one does. The tweet went viral and websites gladly made her over as #content, enough so that, were Jed York to Google himself—don't do it, Jed, it is not worth it—he'd be seeing a big ol' dong bearing his name. In a season that's been a sad mess so far, the Niners finally have their YAAAAAAAASSSSS QUEEN moment.
Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory1. Kawann Short2. Stefon Diggs3. Lamar Miller4. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie5. Kirk CousinsFive Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame1. Bill O'Brien / the entire Houston Texans team2. E.J. Manuel3. Dwayne Gratz4. Matt Cassel5. Miles AustinAs for Tonight…
After putting up 38 points per game over the first five weeks of the season, Arizona's offense was stymied by an improving but hardly great Steelers defense last week in Pittsburgh during a 25-13 loss. While reputation might suggest that the Ravens defense could give the Cards another test this week, Baltimore's once-vaunted D is a hollowed-out husk of its former self, making this a good opportunity for Arizona to bounce back at home in prime time. Seattle's worse-than-expected start has given the Cardinals more room for error than one might have predicted prior to the start of the season, but the Cards come into Monday night with only a one-game lead over the St. Louis Rams in the NFC West. A loss tonight would mean squandering some good fortune and perhaps losing the chance to vie for a first-round bye later in the season, especially given the impressive starts by the division-leading Packers and Panthers.As for the Ravens, they're nearing the point where they'd have to win just to have a shot at the postseason. When that's the case in the pre-Halloween portion of the season, you know things have gone to shit. Joe Flacco and John Harbaugh have enough job security that Baltimore could lose out and their positions would still be secure going into 2016. I wouldn't get too attached to seeing defensive coordinator Dean Pees on the sideline, though, and getting rid of offensive coordinator Marc Trestman might be a good idea just to clear out the bad juju. Eventually every NFL team will hire him, just for the salutary effect of firing him a year later.
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On Sunday, after falling behind early to the Lions, the Vikings came storming back. By the end of the game, the celebratory tins of chew started appearing. Skoal Vikings! Even head coach Mike Zimmer took part. That's not the sort of behavior one might expect from a head coach, though it's hardly out of character for Zimmer, who keeps a stag head on the wall of his office.This is a fine start, but the Vikings need to find ways to build on the formula for further success. A new WHO report indicating that red meat causes cancer means that every Vikings player will have to eat a rib eye just prior to kickoff for maximum performance-enhancing effect. Perhaps Teddy Bridgewater can take the field while high on DMT. The possibilities are only limited by their imagination.
Week 7 was a big one for #content delivery systems, as the NFL had its first game available only through online streaming: the Bills-Jaguars game in London. I watched the entire thing and have few complaints, which is significant because I complain about most everything. The quality of the picture dipped a few times, but there were few interruptions in the feed. Even Yahoo's audio feed of blogger commentary was interesting and fun, even if it was only accessible through the language filter, which makes it appear as though "fantasy" is a nerd patois outside of English and Spanish. Which, actually, might not be wrong.NFL executives believe it was the most streamed sporting event in U.S. history and probably the most streamed video with the exception of lots and lots of porn. According to the NFL's loftiest nugget baron, Peter King, the league was so pleased with the results that there very well could be a Thursday night and a Sunday night game streamed in 2016. (There are, naturally, plenty of reasons to believe this is bullshit.) Golly gosh, the future is now.Kirk Cousins, the World's Most Aggro NPR ListenerIn a bizarre twist, Kirk Cousins actually had a good game on Sunday, leading his Washington-area NFL team back from a 24-0 second-quarter deficit to a 31-30 victory over the lowly Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Everybody had a good laugh at Cousins barking at the media after the game, though I can't say I entirely blame Captain Kirk for letting off some steam after spending all last week getting criticized for everything from his leadership to his love of NPR and HGTV. Frankly, I hope Kirk keeps it going and calls in to all the local NPR shows in DC to let them have it. Diane Rehm and Kojo Nnamdi won't know what hit 'em. Give 'em hell, Kirk."Terrance Knighton Is Selfless" - Terrance Knighton
Back in Week 1, I promised you that Dumb Football would observe the steady deterioration of first-year head coach Todd Bowles as the responsibility of running the New York Jets surely destroys him. Yet Gang Green has been shockingly and frustratingly competent in 2015, meaning that stress has yet to prematurely age Bowles by 30 years—at least so far. The tide may have started to shift on Sunday.The Jets got their first crack at the AFC East standard bearers in New England, and the results were predictably Jets-y. While New York held a fourth-quarter lead, the Pats inevitably pulled away. The capstone was the Jets improbably recovering an onside kick to give them a chance to tie the game on a miracle play, only to draw an illegal procedure penalty in the final moments, resulting in a 10-second runoff that ended the game. As you can see, it was enough to make Bowles's face start to collapse on itself. It'll get there yet.Fan of the Week
After putting up 38 points per game over the first five weeks of the season, Arizona's offense was stymied by an improving but hardly great Steelers defense last week in Pittsburgh during a 25-13 loss. While reputation might suggest that the Ravens defense could give the Cards another test this week, Baltimore's once-vaunted D is a hollowed-out husk of its former self, making this a good opportunity for Arizona to bounce back at home in prime time. Seattle's worse-than-expected start has given the Cardinals more room for error than one might have predicted prior to the start of the season, but the Cards come into Monday night with only a one-game lead over the St. Louis Rams in the NFC West. A loss tonight would mean squandering some good fortune and perhaps losing the chance to vie for a first-round bye later in the season, especially given the impressive starts by the division-leading Packers and Panthers.As for the Ravens, they're nearing the point where they'd have to win just to have a shot at the postseason. When that's the case in the pre-Halloween portion of the season, you know things have gone to shit. Joe Flacco and John Harbaugh have enough job security that Baltimore could lose out and their positions would still be secure going into 2016. I wouldn't get too attached to seeing defensive coordinator Dean Pees on the sideline, though, and getting rid of offensive coordinator Marc Trestman might be a good idea just to clear out the bad juju. Eventually every NFL team will hire him, just for the salutary effect of firing him a year later.
