People I am Stalking

Speaking of spying on people, I used to have a fairly gross addiction to Star, InTouch, Life & Style, and OK! magazines. I was buying 'em weekly, burning through them like bacon-wrapped OxyContins. They were kind of like a masturbate-y, cracky, bulimic indulgence that left me feeling like a raw, cold Pop-Tart on a paper towel. And, every week, even after total regret and sitting in a puddle of dumb, wishing I had my time and money back, I still blood-thirstily went back for more. Now, after years of rotting my brain with celebrity pics, I need more and more people pics to satiate my photo fix. Heroin is people!

I have now replaced my magazine snaps addiction with actual, real humans to gawk and stare at. I have never met these people but I am becoming their biggest fan! I find myself returning again and again to their safe little internet homes, and creepily peep and prod into their windows with my proverbial binoculars and boner.

I have two personal favorites who are like my Brad and Angelina.

They are far more interesting and a million times more fun than moldy oldies Jolie-Pitts.

My favorite pics are when they are posing for photo booth pics right before going out.

They are the cutest of best fwends and they make me wish I could just drop in and eat some Cocoa Puffs with them.

Plus, they are always having way more of a god friggin good time than I am ever possibly going to have ever! And all their friends and friends' friends are cute too!

I never go out and I guess I sorta hate going out anyway. I get cranky and grizzled like Pap Pap when there is dancing and fun going on…. I would rather watch my Brad and Angie do it better than I could anyway.

Also, they take fashion chances that I, a body dismorphian gremlin, could never build up the courage to sport. Plus they look way cooler in street gear than me, I just look like a cracker hillbilly wearing a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Halloween costume.

For as long as there is internets, I will stalk my grandbabies here and revel in their fun times like a real live creepy old pervert should.