Spot the New Zealander

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In 1909, Lenin called New Zealand "A country of inveterate, backwoods, thick-headed, egotistic philistines" so it’s really no wonder Kiwis are always being mistaken for Australians. With so much shared history and genetic material flowing back and forth between the two nations, Aussies and New Zealanders are difficult to split from a distance. Difficult, but not impossible.

Your task today is to identify three Kiwis out of the following seven mystery nationals based on their appearance and a few random questions. The prize is feeling like you’re doing something slightly racist and liking it, which is ok as you’re usually quite ethical. Just slide into that warm tub of judgment this once, check the answers at the bottom, then forget this ever happened. Good luck.

Hi, what’s your name?
Nick.

What are you up to today?
Not much. Just cruising around.

And what do you love?
Ah, Cacti. I collect cacti. I just reckon they’re an interesting plant. I love the way they can look ugly in different ways but that actually makes them beautiful.

And what do you hate?
Oh man, there’s lots of things. I think the worst is police violence.

Have you ever been bashed by a cop?
Yeah, a few times.

Did you bash them back?
Nah, that’s the worst part.

What’s your name?
Lizzy McDermott.

What do you do Lizzy?
I just work in retail.

What’s the meaning of life?
Life is all about making what you want of it. My meaning of life is to enjoy myself.

How are you enjoying yourself today?
Well, I’d like to earn money but it’s hard to do so I’m just chilling with my friends.

If you could have a magical power?
Invisibility.

What’s your name?
Janet.

Hi Janet. What do you do?
I work for Australia Post.

Do you enjoy it?
Well, I’d rather be independently wealthy but I need the money.

What’s the best country in the world?
I’ve only been to Europe once but I loved it. I’d say Italy. And in Italy, Florence.

If you were to rob a bank how would you do it?
I’d involve old people because they don’t look so suspicious.

What’s your name?
My name’s Adam.

What do you do?
I work as an innovation manager.

Right, what’s that?
It’s all about starting up your own business. I help others to do that. I’m hoping to start my own company by the end of the year.

What’s the best thing about New Zealand?
Ah, it has phenomenal landscapes.

Which country has better looking people, Australia or New Zealand?
I’d have to say Australia.

Are you being racist?
No man, you asked the question.

What’s your name?
Francis.

What do you do?
I’m an IT consultant by day but I like to take photos on the weekend.

And that’s what you’re doing today?
Yeah, just out taking some photos because I thought it was a nice winter’s day.

Is New Zealand the best country in the world?
Oh, I wouldn’t say it’s the best but it’s quite good.

When was the last time someone asked if you were from New Zealand?
I get it all the time. Maybe a couple of weeks ago.

If you had to dispose of a body how would you do it?
Dispose of a… what? Are you trying to frame me? Trying to find out if I was there? I’m guessing you’d have to be a good digger, with a good shovel and lots of time. Preferably not in a cold climate either.

What’s your name?
Joan Rogers.

What do you do Joan?
Well, tennis, I go bike riding and I swim.

What’s your favourite type of pasta?
Oh probably a simple bolognaise.

Are you a bit of a traveller?
Yes. Me and my husband have done 7 continents.

What’s the best thing about New Zealand?
Well I’ll tell you what I honestly tell people. If you can’t afford to go anywhere else, go to New Zealand because you can see everything there only it’s a bit smaller. The only thing it doesn’t have is outback, and who wants that? Just a whole lot of going from A to B.

What’s your name?
Matt Valentine.

What do you do?
I work for BMW, in sales.

Favourite romantic comedy?
Oh, I’m not really a rom-com kind of guy eh. I prefer the comedy stuff in general. I just watched The Other Guys and it’s still a priceless movie.

What’s your favourite party trick?
Well, I’m a helicopter pilot so anything to do with that. Chuckle, chuckle.

The Beatles or Elvis?
Oh the Beatles for me.

OK, did you get that? So those New Zealanders are numbers 2,3 and 7 (Lizzy McDermott, Janet Australia Post and Matt Valentine). Thanks for playing and stay tuned for our next judgementally inflammatory episode!

Previously: 

Spot The Vegetarian