Spice Up Your Marriage

All couples find themselves in a rut every now and then. It’s easy to take your spouse for granted, fall into a routine, and wind up neglecting the one you love. But marriage is like driving a nice Cadillac—if you take your hands off the wheel for too long, you’re eventually going to drive into a Mexican restaurant. Occasionally you need to shake things up. Spontaneity is the key. Here’s an easy way to break out of a rut. Call your spouse at work and say, “We need to talk.” Then disappear for a few days. Nothing breeds fond feelings like conspicuous absence. When you do return, act distant and have your eyebrows shaved off. Anything to break out of the dull old routine you’ve both been stuck in since forever. The trick to making this one work is the phrase “What.” “What?” you can say innocently. “What?” Arranging a “date night” is always a good way to freshen up a relationship, but take care that you both don’t fall right back into old routines. A meal at a restaurant is still just a meal at a restaurant… unless you spice it up. Take your spouse out to the fanciest eatery in town. After you order, look down at the bread basket and say, “Did that pat of butter just… say… something?” Later, do a sexy striptease. Role-playing is always a great way to jumpstart a case of the ’Til-Blahs-Do-We-Part. Husbands: Try approaching your spouse as “Frank,” a 49-year-old loner who has held a variety of jobs in Colorado and Utah and has yet to come to terms with his father’s death. Wives: What if you started the day as “Gaaaaaaa,” a 3,000-year-old fungus from the planet Meganurniak? Let Frank and Gaaaaaaa paint the town purple! You can bet they won’t be talking about the car repairs over dinner! Staging a break-in is a surefire romantic routine wrecker. While your significant other is buying groceries, knock out a back window, and then go nuts on your own house—smash furniture, slash upholstery, splash some red food coloring all over the walls, and top off the debris with some rose petals. After you help him or her carry the groceries in from the car, you can look around the destruction and then say, seductively, “Looks like the love bandit struck!” (Tip: For extra realism, buy some animal offal from a slaughterhouse and stuff it under the couch.) Nothing beats a heartfelt love letter. Have a lawyer or process server deliver the letter to heighten the romantic tension. If you’re not much of a writer, what about making some “love coupons” for your spouse? Try drawing up coupons for “30 percent off back rubs” or “Half-Price Sexy Tuesdays.” For yuks, you could make one that says, “Good for one month of no murder-suicides.” But be sure to write in blackout dates and restrictions—it’s important that no one gets taken for granted. Intimacy is the key. Sleep is the enemy of intimacy. If your partner is asleep and you’re not, it’s kind of like they’re cheating on you with their dream buddies. If this happens to you, yell out, “Did you hear that?” If that doesn’t work, play “Pump Up the Volume” by MARRS. And if all else fails, always remember those 11 little words that can reboot even the soggiest of marriages: “Do you have any idea how insane you sound right now?”