Gifts for Girls!

ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHRISTIAN GORDY

This is the era of the modern woman and all that, and there’s androgyny and intersex and bois and womyn and so on, but let’s face it, it’s nice to relax on all that inner-strength business and just be girlie. As the headline clearly states, this is a list of gifts that are for girls. If you’re looking for something else you’re free to turn the page. Those of you who are still here, take note: Practical items done up in luxury are really nice, but wild, nearly irresponsible impracticalities are so much more fun. The general rule is to buy what you know she’d never buy for herself. Once you get into that frame of mind, you’re free to go hog wild. But in case you’re still feeling lost, here are some suggestions.

FANCY SOCKS, STOCKINGS, TIGHTS

www.the-v-store.com, www.barneys.com, $50 and up

Here’s how you do it: Walk in somewhere intimidating, locate the hosiery you think no one in their right mind would ever purchase (over-the-knee socks embroidered with swans? Yes, please), and bring it up to the counter. Done. Brands to look for: Antipast, Henrik Vibskov, anything designer that sounds fancy, and, shit, even Betsey Johnson’s got some good ones. Nothing sporty or cheesy, and don’t cut corners with Sock Man on St. Marks and then try to make up for it by purchasing three pairs because she’ll know what you’re doing.

SEXY UNDIES

www.kikidm.com, www.journelle.com, $16-$674

Duh. Double points if you can get your grandmother to embroider her name on them all pretty and dainty in silk metallic thread. Kiki de Montparnasse has some real top-notch, naughty stuff. Journelle, another classy choice, is slightly tamer. Hint: Victoria’s Secret is not acceptable for this.

WEIRD EXPENSIVE MAKEUP

www.usluairlines.com, www.belmacz.com,

www.guerlain.com, $28-$69

Indestructable Uslu Airlines nail polish (website only) comes in colors picked out by jerk DJs and bonkers fashion designers, meaning they’re ugly in just the right way. Belmacz’s cute sci-fi-looking pots of lip glosses are mixed with giant flecks of 24-karat gold that at first look almost bad but definitely amusingly decadent and then quickly dissolve into a nice shimmer. Guerlain’s limited-edition, ridiculously oversize Volga Princess eye-and-lip palette comes with its own protective betassled velveteen pouch (amazing), and its grayish mauve and lavender tones are nice for a delicate, stuffed-into-the-deep-freezer Bulgarian-royalty look. If you really want to show her you mean business, buy her the matching reddish-plum mascara.

CRYSTALS

www.bestcrystals.com, $2-$6,5000

Girls love mystical, healing stuff. Go get a nice big prism of hypersthene, or a beautifully clear point of trans-channeling quartz, or an orthorhombic hunk of celestite, then pair it with a card calling her a goddess. Seriously.

EXOTIC PERFUME

www.aedes.com, $110-$245

Buying perfume for anyone, even yourself, is scary. There are so many wrong paths to traipse. That’s why you take note of what perfume you like on her (just ask her if you’re too dumb to watch her spray it on and then surreptitiously write it down, it’s that simple) and then go tell the well-mannered expert at the scent-heaven store Aedes de Venustas what it is. They’ll help you pick out something much less accessible that is sold in like, two places in the whole world and is therefore more special. (Ask for a small sample of whatever you pick out so she can try it first before un-shrink-wrapping and being stuck with it for life.)

BIG APPLE GRAPHICS T-SHIRTS

cancerface2000@yahoo.com, $30-100

These things are made with so much fabric paint—like every inch of cotton is drawn on with mutants and innards and personified slogans—you’d think they’d be crusty, but no. Cute comics-artist couple Bald Eagles and BK Broylerz are nonwillfully out of their minds and make the t-shirts to prove it. Who doesn’t go nuts for a one-off? You can find this at art fairs where everything else completely sucks and they don’t know how to sell it to you, or else maybe at Desert Island, or else just email them.

BUILD-A-BEAR

www.buildabear.com, $10 and up

Could you get a handmade, one-of-a-kind posh little plush friend from some obscure boutique? Sure you could, but teddy bears are supposed to be cheesy and it does not get cheesier than Build-a-Bear. Plus, it shows you were willing to brave the tourists and obnoxious eight-year-old swine-flu hosts just for her. Serve up your little stuffed buddy with a single red rose for maximum “Awww, you big retard” effect.

JEWELRY FOR CRAZY PEOPLE

http://www.myspace.com/poorfauxreal, $145-$165

Does she really need jewelry that references baby-dinosaur eyes, space pan flutes, black holes,

Satyrica

, and ancient arthropods? Oh my God, yes. Yes, she does. There are no more words except [

whispered in a seductive voice

]: Faux Real. The designer only sells through MySpace and Seven New York.

SUPERNICE HAIR DRYER AND STRAIGHTENER

www.fhiheat.com, $200

Unless she is rich, she will never ever splurge on something like a titanium and silver “Nano-Fuzeion” low-electromagnetic-field hair dryer that’s light as a feather, nor its partner in crime, a flat iron made with beveled-edge ceramic plates infused with crushed tourmaline. But she will use it and love it if she has it, and FHI’s the only company that makes these things and has them in red and sells them in a special holiday package together.

DIGITAL HARINEZUMI CAMERA

www.turntablelab.com, $169.99

This one’s for productive gals. It’s shaped like an old 110-mm film cartridge and shoots silent digital video using the same color coding and dreamy quality as Super 8. And it’s a lot more darling than a goddamn Coolpix or whatever camera is supposed to get Ashton Kutcher to fall in love with her.