From The Diaper of Big Baby Jesus

Illustration by Milano Chow

Vice: What is your daily writing routine like?

Harmony: I’ve never had one.

Well, what did you do today?

Listened to a record by Mel Street. Read an interview with Jerry Lee Lewis. Clipped my nails. Had a thought about an old friend of mine named Goldnutts.

Who’s Goldnutts?

He was a friend of mine from Nashville. His name was really Goldberg, but he came from California and all the girls liked him, hence his nickname. One year he just left and we never heard from him again. He has become almost mythic in certain circles of Tennessee. A lesbian I know claims to have seen him working at the Alamo a few years back, but there is no proof that it was really him.

How come you write?

Mainly to get the thoughts out of my head.

he following is a conversation I recorded between Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Clint Eastwood at a special screening in Los Angeles for the film The Bridges of Madison County. This is only a small portion of a much-longer four-hour-plus transcript. This as-yet-unseen transcript will serve as a guide to a 1,000-page novel I am currently writing that is tentatively entitled The Diaper of Big Baby Jesus. ODB: Why are you dressed like a pilgrim? CE: A pilgrim? ODB: Yes, with that hat. Those shoes look like Thanksgiving shoes too. CE: It’s for a movie I’m doing. ODB: Why would you do a movie with those shoes?

Photos by AP

CE:

I’m trying to get into character.

ODB:

Are you playing a gay?

CE:

A gay?

ODB:

To me they look like a gay’s shoes.

CE:

Why would I gaze at my shoes?

ODB:

No, a gay’s shoes.

CE:

I thought you said I look like a pilgrim.

ODB:

What’s the difference?

CE:

There’s a big difference I think.

ODB:

You still like Dirty Harry?

CE:

What do you mean?

ODB: Do you like Dirty Harry? CE: Sure I like him. He was a good character to play. ODB: When I was a boy I used to dress my sister up like Dirty Harry but instead I called her Dirty Mary. She was messed up. I remember on one of those days she was chasing me with a gun and I threw her into a woodpile. CE: Why? ODB: Because she was taking it real. The bitch thought she was you. CE: Oh yeah? ODB: And she got a big splinter in her foot. CE: I bet that hurt. ODB: I’m sure it hurt but I had to remind Dirty Mary that she wasn’t Dirty Harry, for real. CE: Right. ODB: The oddest thing about it was that the splinter in her foot was in the shape of the Virgin Mary. CE: Right. ODB: It looked just like the Virgin Mary. CE: Why are you so wary? ODB: Wary? CE: That’s what you said? ODB: No, not wary… Mary… I said the Virgin Mary. Her splinter looked like the Virgin Mary. CE: Oh. ODB: How old are you anyway? CE: Too old. ODB: The point of it was gonna be that people were praying to my sister’s foot. CE: Why did they do that? ODB: Because her splinter looked religious. All the people in the projects were lining up to pray at my sister’s foot. CE: Because the splinter was in the shape of the Virgin Mary? ODB: Exactly, Clintdog. CE: No, I’m vegetarian. ODB: Vegetarian? CE: No hot dogs for me. ODB: I said “Clintdog,” not hot dogs. CE: Yes, I gave up meat in the spring of ’82. ODB: That’s the same year I quit school. CE: It was a good year for me. ODB: I got engaged that year to my pastor… a female pastor. CE: It did fly by much faster. ODB: What? CE: For some reason 1982 seems like a blur. It was one of those years that seems a dream now. It was a perfect year for me. ODB: I can’t believe I’m sitting here with you now. CE: Yes. It is strange. ODB: You’re like an American icon and I’m like the truest American icon. CE: Yes, my children love your music. They say you’re one of the best. ODB: And you know Dirt Dog loves the children? CE: Yes. ODB: Two American originals… two Frank Sinatras. CE: Yes. He had blue eyes. HARMONY KORINE