Hunting and Scavenging

OK, game time. We’ve portrayed a variety of Austin characters and their sorted Southern predilections. Use the clues in the guide to help track down and identify representative examples. If you can capture each with a photo, send them to vice@viceland.com we’ll sort you out with a subscription. And if you can find these exact people, well, you’re hired. Otherwise, just check them off before your friends do, and then they owe you a beer.

PICKLED THINGS: This is a popular holdover in the South from back when vinegar was the only way to keep food longer than a day. When you see a stand like this, stop and shop. These morsels are the perfect hangover preventive. Pickled livers are a different problem entirely.   COWBOY COUPLES:People don’t realize that in Austin anything goes. That’s the city’s unspoken motto. Where else do debutantes and shoeshine men hook up? I’ll give you a hint: It ain’t West Austin.

BABES WITH BEER:Real Texan dames are few and far between, so if you run across one, don’t hesitate to offer a beer of your own and play dumb. They love dumb.

CLOWNS:

 These characters come in every stripe in Austin, both the hounds and the hounded. The made-up guy is more likely to buy you a beer, but the other probably has some Adderall.

COUNTRY TITTY:Austin is the only city in Texas that still prefers natural boobs to the store-bought stuff. The chase is not always better than the catch.   POWERFUL SYNDICATE EXECS:Whether you are in Austin for SXSW or a hi-tech meet-and-greet, the number of rich and powerful characters with beautiful gals dripping off their arms can be staggering. Twelve-Step Programs have a tendency to fly out the window in the face of these odds.

MOUTHS OF THE SOUTH: Spotting these ubiquitous gabbers is a gimmee. Southerners talk so much, you’ll find yourself jumpier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.   TWINS: Austin parents are such prolific breeders that everyone has a sibling who looks just like them with a name like Lyndon James or Candy Canes. Brothers are fun, but sisters are where the real action is.

STRONG WOMEN:Chicks in Austin love to get down and dirty. Think of it as Ellie Mae Clampett Syndrome. You may very well have to wrestle her for that first kiss, so stay low.   OTs (ORIGINAL TEXANS): Because Texas is essentially Mexico, and SXSW is mostly about white people, you have to head east to track down some natives. If they’re not singing, that’s the clue that they are from somewhere else.

FRESH KILLS: Critters are for butchering and eating and they shouldn’t be hard to find, just follow the trickle of blood to the smoking pit. BTW, these are deer, not cattle, yet another important distinction.

    GIDDY SPORTS FANS:Football is king in Texas and athletic supporters abound. Even teams that left the state 20 years ago are still getting love from bubbly MBAs downtown with their wives and Labrador retrievers.

COOPS: In addition to shackled pigs, goats, and the occasional ex-wife, you might run across some cooped-up chickens. Walk up and have a look, they won’t even notice. In fact, chickens are so dumb they make the rest of the barn seem like fucking MENSA.

    EUPHORIA BANDITS:Too much time spent around shirtless Southerners will turn your gyroscope into a kaleidoscope as quick as anything. FYI: These are the guys who took the euphoria out of coke.

ATHLETES: Swimming is an Austin birthright, so slip into something comfortable and head to the Springs to gaze upon the stellar bods. They’re so health-focused, the only decision they face is stars-and-stripes or burnt orange.

    LUNATICS: In spite of all the cooping and eating of animals, Austinites really do love their pets. Sometimes they refuse to let go when their dog passes on, and simply have the carcass converted into a Blue Heeler stole.

DRUG ENTHUSIASTS:These types are easy to spot in Austin because they are perennially shirtless. As it never gets cold, they’re always out, and though cops are on to this, it’s difficult to grab a slippery, hairy guy. Try it if you see him.

    LARGER-THAN-LIFE CHARACTERS: Austin is a liberal oasis for the “I’m not gay but I like the way it feels” crowd. Everyone from bears to bikers can be found mingling around Chain Drive or Emo’s or SXSW discussion panels.

THE GROPER: When the three immutable G’s of Grinning, Guffawing, and Gesturing fail, the Grope is a legitimate Texan fallback position. Notice the technique applied by this ass-grabbing Ivy Leaguer of the South.   DRUNK DRIVERS:Because road sodas are such a prevalent part of a culture that just outlawed drinking and driving last week, you should be careful out on the open roads. Be especially wary when Y chromosomes don’t enter the mix.