Campbell's Carnies

Campbell's Amusements has been the premiere authority of midway rides, games, and concessions throughout Southern Ontario, Quebec, and Atlantic Canada since the 1960's. For the last half a decade they've offered all sorts of nifty carnival services like rides that make teenagers puke their guts out and cheap hot dogs that make teenagers puke their guts out. But their most valuable commodities are their top-notch carnies who are very good at creeping the hell out of Canadian teenagers who eagerly blow their allowance money on Elephant Ears (delicious deep fried batter treats smeared with goopy jam), and trying fruitlessly to win made-in-Taiwan prizes after smoking dank out of a pop can behind the demo derby arena. At least that was my experience in that magical, explorative time from age 10-16. For young country kids, carnies are the gatekeepers to the parentless world of nefarious teenage activity.

One such activity is toy-driven open air gambling. This past fall I hung out on the strip with Campbell's infamously fast tongued carnies at The Rockton's World Fair. Here's what I saw.

When I asked this fellow to sit on the can and pretend he's dropping a deuce for me he silently bent forward, crossed his arms, and shook his head slower than a Costa Rican sloth.

This guy has the most exquisite deep-chest AM radio talk show voice I've ever heard. A lot of dudes huddled around this booth. I'm not sure if that was because of his sexy voice or because they were enticed by the rules on the podium that subliminally suggested they could  change their balls for $1 to make them LARGE. Guys want big balls, right?

It must be fun to have little tin crates of money roll toward you all night long.

This lady was in good spirits because one of her carnie friends let her operate this balloon popping game for the night while she was off giving birth to a carnie baby. She told me she makes way more money here than at her regular Cars booth because baloon popping is "a classic."

This guy really wanted to get in the family photo that my parents, brother and I were taking near his booth. He heaved his body so far over the barrier of his trailer to get in the frame that the whole booth shook and a few dangling stuffed animals fell to the floor.  Meanwhile his game participants just kinda stood there gawking at his desperation, altogether forgetting to whack the little badgers that popped out of the holes in front of them. Whether he was lonely or whether this was one of his distraction tactics, I couldn't tell. Either way, it worked.

Oversized, styrofoam-filled "Rasta Bananas" (that's their official product name on eBay) were at nearly every games booth we visited.  Apparently there has been a massive demand for these things in 2011, especially in remote and isolated areas where there are high numbers of douche bags with point and shoot cameras.

There was no gimmicky word play and no clever one-liners from this guy. He stuck with the classic "Step right up" while looking directly into my eyes and caressing the ball slowly in his hands. What's the opposite of a lady-boner?

Carnies tell players their toys are "rare" even though they're not because it makes them feel better after they've lost a small fortune on an extremely un-snuggly Krusty the Clown doll. But this guy was legit because this was the first Toonie throw pillow I'd seen on the midway. Needless to say I spent a small fortune trying to win it.

This lady believes young kids don't play her game because they're weirded out by the "army of alien elves" behind her. I said "I guess it's time to snuff the Smurfts!" and she yawned.

Modern male mystics don't fuck with sparkly clothes and crystal balls and shit. They can get by on Players Ultra Lights, crossed legs, and a handsome vacuum face.

And kitty carnie concludes this year's showcase!

You can check out Campbell's carnies for yourself pretty much anywhere during fair season if you're in and around the Quebec and Ontario region. Trust me, they'll be there. Hawking cheap crap and creeping out teenagers.