Snapchat Sucks if You’re Not Receiving Nudes

The Snapchat screen of a lonely Snapchatter (the author).

I'm calling it right now: Snapchat will be buried next to ICQ and Napster in the useless app graveyard by the end of next year. If you're not aware of what Snapchat is, you’re lucky. Basically, it's an app that lets you send 1-10 second video clips or photos to someone (or multiple someones) in your contact list, that are allegedly deleted instantly, and sent straight to hell once they’ve been viewed.

It’s the perfect medium for people to send titty and dick flicks of themselves to willing and unwilling lovers alike. In fact, a study from the UK shows that 47% of Snapchat users have received nude pictures while 67% had received images of “inappropriate poses or gestures,” which I'm assuming consist mainly of people recreating the D-Generation X crotch chop or the classic Eminem middle finger.

Nudes and rude gestures aside, one of the more serious controversies surrounding this application is the fact that the photos and videos you send actually aren't deleted at all. All of the images are actually saved on the Snapchat server, and hidden deep in the perverted memory bank of your your phone.

Plus, just when you thought it was safe to send a video of you doing naked summersaults in a gas station bathroom to someone you met at a Taco Bell last week, along comes an evil application called SnapSave that automatically saves the content you send without notifying you. Sounds like a backstabbin’, pervin' good time, right?

With all the ridiculous controversy surrounding Snapchat, you would think the user experience is more fun than a party hosted by GG Allin at Dave and Buster's, but really it's the party-time equivalent to having a lazy-eyed gentleman try to make conversation with you while you’re stuck on a bus in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and you have your headphones in.

Ultimately, it’s the users who make Snapchat boring. I say this because most people who use it send mediocre, boring “snaps.” It might just be that I'm a jaded blog writer who doesn't receive nudes on the reg, but regardless, here are some of the most notoriously lame bandwidth bandits you might just encounter on your Snapchat journey.

The Selfie
Oh wow, would you look at that! It's you! I saw you 24 hours ago but I'm sure a lot has changed since then. How did you know that I wanted to take 10 seconds out of my day to stare at your dumb face on my phone? You've chosen a clever caption as well, such as “Tired” or “Hungover,” as if I was so inclined to know about how many shots you did at a sports bar last night. Unless you recently lost an eye, or you're violently throwing up while giving the metal horns, please don't send a selfie ever again.

The Foodie
I have yet to understand the fascination people have with sending pictures of food to each other, as if the other person is supposed to care about the meal that they're not about to consume. I suppose this section could also go for people who send snaps of the dump they just took, which admittedly is sometimes funny, but when you send your fourth poop snap of the week you’re totally entering serial killer territory. If you’re one of those people who enjoys sending food or poop snaps, may I suggest that you never send one without the other? I’d like to see the full narrative of your dining experience pop up in my Snapchat inbox.

The “I'm walking down a street and filming what's in front of me or my feet”
Sometimes, I wonder if the people sending me this shit actually hate me. If you've ever thought, "I wonder what it'd be like to be inside my friend’s brain, walking down the street, looking at their shoes," then a snap like this could make your most boring fantasy come true. Those enchanting 10 seconds of human feet moving along can provide a level of escapism that can mentally transport you anywhere—from a sidewalk, to a lobby, or maybe even a field! This virtually immersive experience is comparable to that of Being John Malkovich—so visceral that once you experience it, you’ll want to you drop to your knees and scream at the sky.

The Artsy
A lot of Instagram users fancy themselves artists. It’s the same on Snapchat, except instead of having pretty colour filters to apply to your photographs, all you can do with Snapchat is draw some crude smiley faces over your low resolution dick pics; MSPaint style. If you thought filming some elevator doors closing was considered art, well, then you clearly don’t know a thing about art. If all else fails you can take a snap of your city’s most offbeat graffiti artist’s sick new tag. I don't think anyone has done that yet.

The Eavesdropper
Have you ever walked by someone on the street and caught a snippet of their conversation? Of course you have. Sometimes it's something amazing, like “I had never seen so many dead strippers in all my life,” and other times it's so irrelevant you think absolutely nothing of it.

On Snapchat, the eavesdropper films their friends talking midway through a conversation, without their knowledge, and then sends it to their “friends.” Sounds exciting, right? You're god damn right it is! When I’m forced to watch one of these snaps, it has the same level of excitement I get from being on a long road trip with a bunch of awkward people who don’t know how to keep up a conversation, while I listen to the quiet ticking of the turn signal and pray for death.

The Ambiguous
Sometimes you just don't know what the hell you're looking at. Is it the inside of a glove? A UFO? Was that part of a foot? Why are you sending me this shit!? Why did I watch all 10 seconds of that as if it had some dramatic ending? Oh that's right, because my life is that boring.

Here’s the thing, friends. Snapchat doesn't always have to suck. For example, right now my pal Vanessa is in Indonesia getting poop thrown at her by orangutans, which should make for great Snapchat material. Going to the nightclub district on a Sunday morning and filming chunks of girls’ weaves rolling down the street like tumbleweeds is also a classic. Good or bad, I'm sure after my friends read this I won’t be getting any Snapchats anyway. Which is fine by me.

Send Pat terrible Snapchats. His username is: patmaloney1

Previously:

How to Sext Without Looking Like an Idiot