Kitty Litter Mask

I know fuck all about expensive beauty treatments, but if you told me there was a soft clay face mask that cost the same amount I’m planning to spend on all of my holidays combined this year, I wouldn’t be surprised. Spas seem to be really into advertising '100% Natural Mud Masks', like rubbing mud all over your face is totally transformative. Before coughing up £85 for 45 minutes of some chick smearing wet clay all over my face, I decided to go really organic and source my own recipe – the kitty litter facial. Funny, I’ve never seen this on any spa menus before. Apparently containing many of the same components of a clay mask – stuff like organic volcanic ash and bentonite clay – this guy reckons it might work. How encouraging. Without further ado, I ran over to Sainsbury's and grabbed a bag. In hindsight, I would recommend not getting clumping cat litter, but I didn’t want to get basics and this was the next step up. I mean, this shit is going all over my face. Literally.

Step One: Put some in a bowl. Don’t worry that it looks like gravel.

Step Two: I mixed in some water, enough to make it less gravely and more cement-like, then put it in the microwave for two minutes. It will probably explode in your microwave, like it did in mine, but it’s so worth it for beautiful skin, right?

Step Three: After heating, I put it outside to cool. Putting kitty litter all over my face is already pretty gross, but scalding myself with hot mud would just be plain dumb. Me and Anna, the photographer, were really impressed with how professional it looked at this point. It also smelled of hot wet clay, obviously, which is kind of how I imagine all spas to smell. Glamour.

Step Four: I inspected my face as the masked cooled. God, my skin is so bad – my pores were just screaming for a facial! After adequate despair, I mixed up my weird concoction and started plastering it all over my face.

Step Five: I left it to dry for 15 minutes. It felt nice and slimy, but I wouldn’t recommend having your crush over during this masking, as the clay made me look like I was wearing the first stages of an orc make-up tutorial. Little bits will get in your mouth and hair, so unless you enjoy that kind of thing, I’ll just apologise in advance.

Step Six: You know what? This really worked! I don’t know if it was just because my face felt so smooth in comparison to the horrible gravely wet cat litter, but it did feel legitimately pampered. I mean, I wouldn’t pay more than the £1.89 this cost, but Jesus, I’ve now got enough kitty litter in my bathroom cupboard to give facials to every teenage boy in east London.

Recommend factor: 6/10

STYLING: LEAH-DIONNE
PHOTOS: ANNA RYON