Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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Follow up about the money they owe first, assuming good intentions.
Call out the fact that it’s becoming A Thing.
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If they continue to be cagey about it or blow you off, you’re absolutely justified in continuing to bug them about it. It’s extremely OK to want your money back! If someone tries to dodge your request with a shamey, “It’s just $20, chill,” you can say something like, “If it’s just $20, then why won’t you give it back?” You don’t have to drop the subject to keep the peace (or ever loan them money ever again).There are a surprising amount of gray areas when it comes to money owed within friendships. (Look at r/AmItheAsshole, where a lot of questions deal with money *maybe* owed.) Maybe a friend spilled wine all over your couch and you want them to pay to have it cleaned, or they decided to go over the agreed-upon budget when booking something and you don’t want to pay them.Cases like these can be tricky, but if you approach them in good faith—firm, but still open and cautious—you’re more likely to get what you want (or at least get closer to what you want). Here’s what to say in some of those moments.If your friend ruined something of yours:“I know you didn’t mean to drop pasta all over my top when you borrowed it, but it’s currently unwearable and I was hoping you could [pay for the dry cleaning/pay to replace it/pay half of the cost of replacing it]. Thoughts?”If your friend went way over your agreed-upon budget when booking something:
If you don’t agree on who owes what, be direct, but keep an open mind.
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“Hey, we agreed on $75 max for these tickets, not $125. I really wish you’d asked me before you’d bought the more expensive ones, because I would have said I wasn’t OK with that. I’m going to Venmo you for the $75 we agreed on, but I’m really not cool with paying the extra. Does that make sense?”If your friend borrowed something of yours ages ago and still hasn’t returned it:“Hey, I know I’ve been asking about getting my leather jacket back from you for a while now, and at this point, I’m sort of assuming something happened to it and you didn’t want to tell me. If that’s the case, I’d really like to replace it sooner rather than later; is it cool if I Venmo request you for the $150?”If you told a friend “Oh, you don’t have to pay me!” when you agreed to do them a favor and you now… regret that decision:“Is it too late to take you up on your offer to pay me for [dog-sitting/photography job/helping you move]? I know I said it was no big deal when we first talked about it, but I’m realizing now that it’ll be more [time/energy/complicated/expensive] than I had initially thought, and it actually would be really helpful if you were willing to offset those costs.”
If they simply disagree, you’ll have to decide whether it’s worth pushing the issue, if there’s a way to compromise, or if you’re OK with just taking the L. You might decide that $25 or $50 isn’t worth a big to-do with a close friend… but if it’s an acquaintance who stiffed you, or $1,000 is at stake, that might be an entirely different story. If it’s part of a bigger pattern of inconsiderate behavior, or they are being particularly thoughtless, it’s absolutely OK to be upset or frustrated, and to not let it go immediately.
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