How to Deal With Being the Only Single One In the Group

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

In this chaotic world there is one truth: nothing lasts forever.

One minute, you’re at university, drinking with your friends – hours stretched out at your fingertips. Hours to dance, learn new things, date around and have sex. 

Then, one by one, your friendship group grows up. Uni graduation comes and goes and casual jobs turn into the MGMT lyrics you swore you’d never become. (What else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?)

Another part of growing up is watching your friends descend into relationships. Hanging out in bars becomes ‘mandatory date night’ and your mate’s situationship is suddenly a legit relationship that they’re “actively working at”. 

For those remaining single, it can often be a bittersweet pill to swallow. 

Shannon is a 28-year-old who’s been single for three years and is finding herself on the outskirts of a friendship group as they prioritise their relationships. 

“It makes me feel left out, if I’m being honest,” says Shannon. 

“Two of my friends have catch ups together with their partners that I’m not included in because I don’t have a partner. They always bring it up in passing when we have conversations. It’s an in-joke of sorts. At this point, I honestly don’t want them to include me at all because of how much they’ve already left me out of their catch ups.”

As a result of her (so-called) friends excluding her because of her relationship status, Shannon has turned to working on herself. 

“I’ve chosen to spend the rest of this year fulfilling a lot of my hobbies and nurturing myself because it seems like my friends don’t have any time for me. I’ve chosen to almost shut a lot of them out.” 

Tara, 28, says while she loves her freedom, she can’t ignore the envious feelings that her friends in couples bring out in her.

“I don’t rely on someone else to bring me security or to make me feel complete. However, now I’m seeing all of my friends in serious relationships, getting engaged or married, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t wondering when that might happen for me.”

As well as envy, Tara can sometimes feel fatigued by always being the “single one” at events.

“Firstly, having to face the age-old ‘You really need to put yourself out there!’, ‘Are you on the apps?’, ‘You should give people you wouldn’t normally go for a chance’ ‘It’ll happen when you’re not looking’,” Tara says.

“It’s tiring hearing other people project this onto me, and frustrating that they have an assumption that because I’m not in a relationship I must be prioritising looking for one. I’m happy focusing on other things in my life and when the time comes for a relationship, that’ll be great too.”

Tara deals with this by putting up boundaries in her friendships. This looks like picking and choosing occasions in which she feels happy attending on her own, knowing she may be the only solo person there.

“Also, choosing what I want to share about my dating life with people so it doesn’t become a form of entertainment every time.”

For chronically single Jesse, now that her friends are more settled into their monogamous relationships, she feels less excluded than when they were in their early twenties; a relief to hear for those with friends currently going through the puppy love-phase. 

“Since becoming older, my friends are less obsessed with their partners in that almost toxic way. So even if I’m out with heaps of couples, it just feels like a huge friend group.”

In our romantically-obsessed society where hetero-normative relationships are (still) the expectation, Jesse values her singledom, even when her friends are coupled up. 

“I genuinely love being single. I really enjoy being able to do what I want whenever I want and not having to take in anyone else’s opinions when making decisions,” Jesse said.

“I also have a really full social life and career so at the moment, there’s not even really space for a partner. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything and I have really great friends that I feel a lot of love from.”

31-year-old Harry feels the same way. 

“I don’t tend to notice it, only because I’m friends with both of the people in relationships and most of them have been together for years.”

“I’ve come to terms with the fact that they’ll also have separate couples gatherings every now and then. I’m included enough outside of those gatherings, so to force my way into everything would be even sadder.”

While pangs of jealousy or feeling left out of the Love Club may arise, for people like Harry, they know that nothing lasts forever. There’ll be a time where he won’t be the only person to consider in his day-to-day life. 

“I know that if I do get into a long-term relationship, I’ll miss the nights when I could do my own thing without factoring someone else into the decision.” 

As for now, he’s enjoying single life, a little too much, he admits. 

“I had a platonic friend stay with me in my apartment for a week and I almost lost my mind. The company was fine, I just missed being able to leave social gatherings and come home to silence – she was always there.”

If you’re finding yourself wanting some romantic company, don’t feel shame – you’re only human after all – but appreciating the freedom you do have helps the ache for a relationship to fade. 

Whether you’re with someone or not, the important thing is that you’re comfortable with your own situation, so ditch the comparisons and the yearning. 

And remember, nothing lasts forever. 

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