PHOTOS BY JAMIE TAETE

STYLING BY KYLIE GRIFFITHS

Legendary metal duo F.O.G. (Fuck Off God) weren’t set to play any real festivals, so we put on our own event in their honour. The first Monsters of Rocky festival—held at our friend Benson’s house in Victoria Park, east London, on a Saturday afternoon for a few hours before the neighbours’ baby went to bed—was a great success. The first thing you need when putting on your debut festival is a name (preferably one that skirts the fringes of plagiarism) and a flyer. In retrospect, even given the grimness of F.O.G.’s general vibe, this flyer may have been a little too depressing. Still, people came. That’s F.O.G.’s Rocky playing the guitar on the next page. It was his festival. He likes black-metal and Evian.

Dylan wears t-shirt model’s own, jeans by Lee and trainers by Nike; Ben wears t-shirt by Uniqlo and jeans by Levi’s

You need to make sure the band have the best spot and equipment possible. We sheltered them under the soft branches of a tree, which was as practical as it was aesthetically pleasing. And as far as equipment goes, the back line was a splendid group effort, including photographer Dave Canning’s drum kit, Jack Peñate’s mic, a Vice staffer’s bedroom stereo, Rocky’s amp, and Benson’s housemate’s speakers.

Jamie wears jeans by Cheap Monday and trainers by Camper; Nicole wears tights by Pretty Polly and boots by Dr. Martens; Neil wears jeans by Lee, socks by American Apparel and trainers by S***R

It’s important to make the most of the grass in the early stages of a festival. After a few hours the ground will be a seething mess of piss, broken glass, raw sewage and cheap beer. This is a lot easier if your festival only lasts six hours, but even by the end of Monsters of Rocky the garden looked as if a 90s squatter community had been over for the weekend. Get all your fashion statements, frolicking, and falling over out of the way ASAP.

Benson (mid-flight) wears shirt from Rokit, t-shirt by Lee, shorts by Levi’s and trainers by Vans; James (left) wears cap by Supreme and shirt by American Apparel; Conrad (centre) wears top by Lacoste; Bruno (third from left) wears top by Alpine Stars

No matter what anyone says, it’s not bands’ sets, solos, or ad-libs that people go to festivals for. People only go to see people hurt themselves or do amazingly spontaneous things like jump off a wall into an unsuspecting group of three people. This guy wanted to try it from the first floor, but luckily it never came to that. It is for moments like these that you need a first aid tent, but we didn’t have one.

Nicole wears sunglasses by Oakley, shirt by Diesel and shorts from Beyond Retro; Neil wears shirt by Penfield, t-shirt by American Apparel and jeans by Lee; Benson wears shirt from Rokit, t-shirt by Lee and shorts by Levi’s; Chris wears jacket model’s own and jeans by Lee; James wears shirt by American Apparel and jeans by Levi’s

Booze sponsors are all well and good if you have to pay for Supergrass to play the sponsor-branded tent, but if you’re keeping it real, and it’s all about the music (as it should be), then BYO works really well. It means everyone gets what they want, and no one queues. Queues are the antithesis of fun, so anything that cuts them down is a good call. Also, people get drunk faster this way and do stupid stuff you can laugh at.

Ben wears t-shirt by Uniqlo and jeans by Levi’s

Keeping the bands happy is one of the core skills taught at festival planning school. If the band isn’t happy then they don’t play well, and then you get negative comments on forums dedicated to festival reviews, and that is a total bummer. The trick is to get your friends to play, and make sure they are friends who are almost always happy and love making lots of noise.

Rob wears shirt from Rokit, jeans by Levi’s and trainers model’s own

Even a festival like ours needs a dance tent. This is where all the people who are honest enough with themselves to accept that live music got less appealing when they hit 20 and started getting sore backs hang out. Make sure you book top-flight DJs like this guy who can play stuff like “Buddy Holly” by Weezer. They will keep the party going long after all the real musicians go back to their tour bus to Skype their girlfriends.