Instant Offence - Choosing Sides Is Hard

Welcome to the special Grand Final edition of our Aussie sports column. Don't have a team to root for this weekend? James and Alex have your back.

The intractable problem with Grand Finals, for supporters of the teams not represented, is that you're forced to either choose a side or not be involved (and miss out on the biggest drinking and fighting day of the year). Usually, it's easy enough to barrack against the side you hate most, but the 2012 showdowns have made that incredibly difficult. Melbourne: hateable. Canterbury: unlikable. Swans: worst fans ever. Hawthorn: Hawthorn. See what we mean?

Now, you could buy into the shitty Melbourne-Sydney rivalry that usually only extends to coffee and street fashion. If that's enough justification to support teams as charmless as the Melbourne Storm or Sydney Swans, good luck to you. For everyone else, you'll need to find some kind of narrative. To that end, we've braved club forums and one-eyed histories to help guide your selection process.

(There is one tried and true way to instantly manufacture an allegiance, which is gambling, but we're definitely not going to get caught advocating that.)

NRL

Canterbury, while seemingly deliberately obnoxious, didn't systematically cheat and besmirch everything established to keep the grand sport of Rugby League fair and equitable. No, wait, the Dogs did that a bit in 2002. So, two class acts to consider.

Melbourne Storm

OK for Queenslanders because of Origin heroes Billy, Cam Smith and, to a lesser extent Cronk. Otherwise, yuck.

Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs

A dramatic preview on The Kennel sets the scene here. Incidentally, The Kennel is another dimension. Spend five minutes in there. Wow. Anyway back to narratives: Benny Barba's electric season, Des proving he can win without Manly, the Doggies form all season being rewarded… A dip into the Kennel also exposes the gross infatuation and idolatry that Doggies supporters have for the club.

Who we're following: This is easier than previously projected. How can anyone support Melbourne? If the Dogs get up though, look for some intensely questionable behaviour on Sunday night.

AFL

On the one hand, no club in the entire competition plays less attractive football, nor has a fan base who so persistently claims victimhood and a false underdog status, as that of the Sydney Swans. On the other hand, Hawthorn has over a hundred years of being absolute grubs. What's a fan to do?

Sydney Swans

At least as South Melbourne, this was a proud club. They were responsible for the 1945 Grand Final against Carlton becoming known as The Bloodbath, though they lost it. And the Norm Smith Medal,  for best on ground in the Grand Final, is named after a former coach. Their mid-2000's rivalry with West Coast was pretty thrilling, and, if unattractive, their football remains at least "gutsy".

Hawthorn Hawks

Hard to recommend anything about a club that managed to get a statue of Lethal Leigh Matthews outside the MCG. Keep in mind he was named that for his clandestine rib jabs in the 80's, along with fellow notorious shitheads Dipper and Dermie. Ugh, Hawthorn in the 80's - seven straight grand final appearances. Nothing worse. Now they have some charm, however: Buddy Franklin can kick a bag, Cyril Rioli can be spectacular, and Sam Mitchell ran equal second in Brownlow voting this year. Their fans will tell you they're the most successful VFL/AFL club of the post-War era.

Who we're following: Actually, maybe I've talked myself into a team. Hawthorn are just so unlikable. Sydney will eke this Grand Final out.

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