The House of Representatives passed legislation yesterday recognising Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islanders as Australia’s first inhabitants. Great work, everyone. It only took 200 years to figure it out. One thing that may have given it away is that when the first Europeans arrived, there were people already here. Another subtle hint: I don't know, the fact they're referred to as "indigenous." Still, nicely done. Congratulations to everyone who had to wait so long for something that should have been done so long ago. As for the members of the house, when you’re done patting yourselves on the back, maybe there are some other glaringly obvious facts you can take credit for putting your stamp on. Like for example:
Sometimes our pro athletes are dicks.
Most of us like to watch a bit of sport now and then, and the thing that makes sport interesting is people being good at their bodies. Now, sometimes when you take these people off the field, we find that they’re not so good at their brains. Worse still is when they turn out to be assholes. Does this mean we shouldn’t cheer for them anymore? Not necessarily. But we definitely shouldn’t pretend that they’re great people just because their opponent comes from another place than us.
Soylent Green is people.
If you haven’t seen the 1973 sci-fi film Soylent Green, or if you have seen it and are too dumb to work it out, the weird food everyone eats in it is actually ground up bits of human. Sure, back when it came out, not every movie was about evil government conspiracies, and the idea of citizens being repurposed for the good of the masses was probably pretty far out. But for the record, those green crackers were people.
North Korea didn’t blow up America, it was just some dude’s dream.
We promise New York City still exists. Our bosses live there, and unless ghosts email you about finding more pictures for the "DOs & DON'Ts" section, we’re pretty sure they’re still alive.
Graffiti is the worst.
If you need to express yourself, start a blog. At least then we don’t have to look at it. More importantly, don’t be 30 and doing graffiti. The only time a 30-year-old should climb a chain-link fence is to save a child from a vicious dog. This should be obvious.
The rest of the world thinks we’re racists.
Apart from being loud, drunk, and badly tattooed, Australians are known around the world as racists. It's not hard to imagine why, with our well-publicized treatment of asylum seekers and fuckheads like these on our buses. Even South Africa thinks so, and it was probably racist of me to write that just now.