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      Brett Gelman

      By Brett Gelman Feb 6, 2014

      We Shootin’ Hoops

      Listen to "We Shootin' Hoops," the long-lost classic by the completely unknown white 80s hip-hop artist, Rat Tail, whose current whereabouts are unknown.

      By Brett Gelman Feb 6, 2014
      By Brett Gelman Jan 6, 2014

      “The Story of Oh Donna”

      Listen to the long-lost classic "The Story of Oh Donna," by the completely anonymous white 80s hip-hop artist Rat Tail, whose current whereabouts are unknown. We discovered this track a year ago on a cassette tape that was wrapped in a ball of human hair…

      By Brett Gelman Jan 6, 2014
      By Brett Gelman Nov 12, 2013

      “KevEn 11 is My Homie”

      "KevEn 11 Is My Homie," is a collaboration between the mysterious KevEn 11 and the heretofore completely anonymous white 80s hip-hop artist Rat Tail, whose current whereabouts are unknown. It was transcribed from a cassette tape discovered last November,…

      By Brett Gelman Nov 12, 2013
      By Brett Gelman Nov 1 2013

      “DAAAAAAMMMNNNNNNN”

      Listen to "Daaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnn," the long-lost classic by the completely unknown white 80s hip-hop artist, Rat Tail, whose current whereabouts are unknown. We discovered the song last November on a cassette tape that was wrapped in a ball of…

      By Brett Gelman Nov 1 2013
      By Brett Gelman Aug 21, 2013

      "Motorola Queen"

      Here are the lyrics to the long-lost classic "Motorola Queen" by the completely unknown white 80s hip-hop artist, Rat Tail, whose current whereabouts are unknown. It was transcribed from a cassette tape discovered last November, wrapped in a ball of human…

      By Brett Gelman Aug 21, 2013
      By Brett Gelman Apr 12, 2013

      Combover's Truth

      This town's just one big concentration camp! It's sunny Auschwitz. But I am my own Nazi. I keep me here. Ambition. The sweet tastes of temptation are wasting me away. Spiritually emaciated. About to fall flat and just die.

      By Brett Gelman Apr 12, 2013
      By Brett Gelman Mar 22, 2013

      Teenage Vacation Week

      I've been thinking back on the first film I ever produced, 'Teenage Vacation Week.' I was also in it. I played Jim Francino: A low-down, dirty pimp who had a thing for naval outfits. He convinces these two teens who are on vacation for a week to do a bunc…

      By Brett Gelman Mar 22, 2013
      By Brett Gelman Feb 27, 2013

      Laugh Pig Laugh

      Two hours later: Regret. So much regret. There's blood all over me. Not my blood. Chicken blood, or so they say. I don't know where anyone gets all this chicken blood from, and the whole enterprise is definitely far from kosher.

      By Brett Gelman Feb 27, 2013
      By Brett Gelman Jan 25, 2013

      What Means What Now?

      Did you know I was married? Of course you don't. I didn't tell you. I don't really talk about her very often. To me, a wife is pretty much a backup plan. If I don't get no shtuppin' for a while, if my career falls apart, if I got no one else to turn to—yo…

      By Brett Gelman Jan 25, 2013
      By Brett Gelman Dec 31, 2012

      Santa Daddy

      She walked into the other room and came back holding up a Santa suit. And you bet your ass I put it on. I put it on like it was my bar mitzvah suit and we had to be at temple in five minutes.

      By Brett Gelman Dec 31, 2012
      By Brett Gelman Dec 4, 2012

      The October War

      I'm working on a little personal film about the October War. I need to say something about my people's persecution. What a mess it is over there. Such a happy little place surrounded by nothing but enemies. Haven't we gone through enough already?!

      By Brett Gelman Dec 4, 2012
      By Brett Gelman Oct 26, 2012

      Dirty Laundry

      This one's difficult. Used to be my best friend. My mentor, really. Taught me everything I know about the business. Helped me get my first assistant's job with Billy Wilder. Then the white dragon set him on fire. And before I knew it, I was his own person…

      By Brett Gelman Oct 26, 2012
      By Brett Gelman Sep 27, 2012

      White Lie/Black Fly

      Goddamn method actors. I hired one to do this sci-fi flick I'm producing called "White Lie/Black Fly." The crew tells me the actress has been crawling up walls, jumping on people, and even eating caca. She's gotta tone it down or we're going to have 50,00…

      By Brett Gelman Sep 27, 2012
      By Brett Gelman Aug 31, 2012

      Combover: Jarble Jerble

      The ganef has the chutzpah to belt me in the face. He lays me back in my stunned state and tries to shove the pool net up my tukhus. I tighten my hole like it's holding onto a hundred-dollar bill.

      By Brett Gelman Aug 31, 2012