Photos by Kara-Lis Coverdale and Rose Athena
Getting surrounded by friendly raccoons who want to eat baguettes that you’ve duct-taped to your legs is almost like being the princess of your very own Disney movie. Almost.
Despite what the fashion industry says, manufacturing a suit of feral raccoons is not overly complicated. With a little dumpster diving, rotten food, duct tape, and careful planning, almost anyone can attract enough disease-ridden wild mammals to cover his or her person for hours at a time. It’s easy, fun, and presents only a slightly higher than average chance of contracting a terrible pathogenic infection!
1 First you’ll need to procure a base layer of clothes sturdy and thick enough to protect against the coons’ razor-sharp teeth and claws, which will likely infect you with rabies if they pierce your skin. Safety first! At this point you may be asking yourself, “Why am I about to affix discarded food to my body and let a bunch of shit-matted ringtails crawl all over me?” To which I answer: Because they’re fucking adorable (if you ignore the poop smell), and who wouldn’t want to wear what basically amounts to a suit made of teddy bears (with infectious diseases)?
2 As the old saying goes, the best way to get raccoons to swarm over your body is to think like a raccoon. And since eating is on their mind 80 percent of the time (the other 20 percent is divided between sex and taking dumps), there’s no better lure than food. The good news is that raccoons aren’t picky eaters; their diet is extremely diverse and includes nuts, seeds, fruit, eggs, insects, frogs, crayfish, and anything that happens to be lying—or crawling—around. Of course, city coons find decomposing human food to be mighty tasty, so open your fridge and look for nasty pizza, rotten fruits and veggies, and whatever else your lazy fucking roommate forgot to throw out three months ago. Put the grossness in a well-sealed bag and head down to wherever the raccoons hang out in your town.
3 Just before entering coon HQ, duct-tape your bounty of trash food all over yourself. Raccoons’ propensity to enjoy garbage-can snacks, coupled with their shitty attitude and distinct facial markings, makes them the crust punks of the animal kingdom (without the heroin problem and terrible taste in music). And just like crusties, they’ll approach without warning and snatch a turkey sub right out of your hands, so you can only imagine how appetizing you’re going to look with two-week-old baguettes for arms.
4 One comestible raccoons seem to find yucky, however, is broccoli. Use their aversion to your aesthetic and protective advantage by surrounding danger zones (i.e., your junk) with appropriate amounts of the leafy green stuff.