The Recent Unpleasantness

iPhone 5 Drinking Games

By Sam McPheeters

 

“Apple sent out invitations Tuesday to a Sept. 12 event in San Francisco, where the company is expected to unveil a redesigned iPhone. ‘It's almost here,’ the Cupertino company said in the invitation, featuring an image that includes a ‘5’ in shadow, possibly in reference to the new product's name.” - SF Chronicle, 9/4/12

FROWNS IN THE ROUND

GAME RULES: Pre-pour shots of Bud Light, Coors Light, O'Doul's, or distilled water. Watch the Apple event on TV. As soon as it becomes clear that Apple is not unveiling a new iPhone, everyone takes a drink. Do extra shots if Apple introduces a new iPad charger, the Newton II, or a nightlight shaped like the number 5.

BUZZ FACTOR: You had to be up early on Thursday anyway.

JARGON ROULETTE

GAME RULES: Provide beers or light cocktails. Watch Apple event on TV. Take one sip every time you hear the words "game-changing," "revolutionary," "visionary," or "power efficient." Take two sips every time the presenter smiles arrogantly or mentions Neil Armstrong. Drain your glass every time you hear the words, "Fuck you, Samsung!"

BUZZ FACTOR: Depends.

SELF-REFLECTION

GAME RULES: Watch Apple event on TV. Everyone chugs a beer when they hear the words "thinner case," "taller screen," or "longer battery life." Hold a halfhearted group conversation about how buying a new cell phone always seems really exciting at first, but then the thrill quickly evaporates and you somehow feel even more empty and alone. Quietly sip some more beer.

BUZZ FACTOR:  Make sure everyone is sufficiently sober enough to drive at the end of the night. Turn off all the lights and sit in your dark living room. Cry.

MALT LIQUOR MINDGASM

GAME RULES: Load a case of 12-oz. Colt 45 cans into a paint mixer. Shake for five minutes. Place cans on coffee table and watch Apple event on TV. Shotgun one can every time you hear the words, "Sixth generation," "Teleportation app,"  "MRI-vision," "Literal retina display," "ends famine," "iWormhole," or "self-aware." Do two cans if the camera cuts to the president and the UN Secretary General tearfully releasing doves to herald the dawn of a new epoch in human civilization.

BUZZ FACTOR: Medium.

JAILHOUSE MERLOT

GAME RULES: Stow a plastic baggie of mashed fruit, sugar, and ketchup behind or in your toilet. Heat baggie every other day. Wait a week, put a clothespin on your nose, open the baggie and skim the liquid from the pulp. Repackage juice in fluted champagne glasses. Watch the Apple press conference on TV, serving your friends the "really unusual cabernet sauvignon with a unique, earthy tannin." Any time anyone looks around the room with a smug little smile and says, "I might just have to get a new iPhone now," punch them in the face as hard as you can. Repeat until cops arrive.

BUZZ FACTOR: Brief but intense.

NIGHT TERRORS

GAME RULES: Mix two parts absinthe and one part brake fluid. Fill one pint glass for each person, then drop in a shotglass of 190-proof Everclear. Drink and refill. Watch press conference. Take one sip every time the Apple logo hisses like a giant cockroach. Take two sips every time Steve Jobs walks onstage, looks you in the eye, and telepathically says, I need you to free me from the Pyramid. Group chug every time the wizard screams.

BUZZ FACTOR: Goodbye.

Want to keep drinking yourself into rehab? Check these out:

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