Rob Ford, the World's Greatest Mayor, Has Conquered his Adversaries

By Patrick McGuire

Despite the grand conspiracy pushed forth by Toronto’s anti-high school football illuminati, Rob Ford the World’s Greatest Mayor is keeping his job.

Just in case you haven’t been keeping up with the Andy Kaufman-esque King of Toronto over the past few months, a whistleblower named Paul started whining about ol’ Robbie’s campaign to get donations for his beloved pigskin posse on city letterhead. It resulted in just over $3,000 in contributions, not a ton of money, because evidently Rob is not a master of charitable sales pitches. Anyway, while Paul and others certainly found this to be a conflict of interest, and even though Rob Ford was temporarily fired, all of this jibber jabber about whether or not it’s alright for mayors to seek donations to fund high school kids’ love of touchdowns and tackles was for nothing. This is the political equivalent of being pronounced dead on the operating table, then suddenly jolting back to life with a newfound respect for conflict of interest appeals.

At this point, it’s unsure how Rob Ford is going to celebrate. Over here at VICE Toronto HQ, we are speculating whether or not he will throw an awesome rager at his mom’s house, go visit the Winnipeg and Detroit border, or avoid a gay pride celebration. Only time can answer this important question.

What we do know is that Rob Ford will continue to be the King of Toronto until October 27th, 2014. This means way more GIFs of Rob Ford falling down, more racially questionable comments about “orientals” and “gino-boys,” and a total lack of remorse for any cyclists in Toronto that end up getting hit by cars. Sure, we could build bike lines, but why the fuck would we do that? We’ve got gravy to cut back on.

Yes, the grand irony of a man who looks like he is made up of 70% real gravy, looking to cut back on the city’s figurative gravy, is not lost on most people. That said, we already know that challenging the grand poobah is not going to end well in anybody’s favour but Robbie’s. Not only is he adept at catching and subsequently beating the charge, he’s also great at sticking it to media personalities. One of Big Dawg Rob’s most infamous radio interviews on the CBC was a mix of Rob speaking in the third person about how he was going to get rid of taxes and gravy, while yelling at his football team to go get changed. It is likely being studied in college level comedy programs across the country as we speak.

Not only are his accusers and the media in the direct path of Rob’s wrath, civilians have also felt the sting of Rob Ford’s infamous verbal lashing skills. If you sit near Rob at a hockey game you might get burned, just like how if you bike in the city you are, (in Big Dawg Rob’s parlance) “swimming with the sharks.” In 2006, Rob flipped the fuck out and caused a “drunken ruckus” at a Maple Leafs game, told everyone he didn’t cause a drunken ruckus at a Maple Leafs game, then finally admitted, yes, he made a drunken ruckus at a Maple Leafs game.

So sure, Rob Ford may be an angry drunken high school football coach who also just happens to be the mayor, but he’s our angry drunken football coach. If you’re not one for performance comedy, we can kind of understand why you might be upset about Big Dawg Rob’s return, but here at VICE, we would like to to welcome the gravy man back with open arms. Hopefully he trips over something, or yells at a member of society that he perceives as a weak target, really really soon.

Follow Patrick on Twitter: @patrickmcguire

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