FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Sex

Sex Addiction, Dick Size, and Stupid Punk Girls

For this round of VICE's very own advice column, Mish helps out someone whose sex addiction has destroyed his marriage, someone who is unsure about the importance of boner sizes, and a Peruvian man who wants to meet a smart punk lady.

QUESTION 1

Hey Mish,

I've been married for about a year to my girlfriend of five years. She's my best friend, we get along really well, and until two months ago we had a great sex life. The problem is I used to be (maybe still am) a sex addict. Before we were married, I cheated on her with more than ten different girls, and two transsexuals (if blow jobs count, which they probably do). Anyways I went to sex addict's anonymous and got a little better. Though I am still way too addicted to porn.

Advertisement

I didn't have sex with anyone other than her during the year before we got married, as well as during most of our first year of marriage. Until around 2 months ago when I was really drunk, I had sex with a prostitute. 

I have never lied to her or tried to hide any of my mistakes, and this time was no different. When I told her she basically just said to me: "I’m not mad at you, in fact, I feel nothing for you." Now she has told me that she still considers me a close friend but she does not have any "more than friendly" feelings for me. We sleep in different bedrooms, now.

In the time since then, it seems like things are slowly getting better. She sometimes comes out of her room and we watch The Big Bang Theory (don't judge me) together. And just last week she started sometimes cooking food for us again. Also, she let me hug her the other day. 

My only thought right now is to just stick around, and let things work themselves out. I am also trying to be less addicted to pornography.

Any help would be appreciated. 

Sleeping Alone

P.S. - I am 24 years old (which is probably not important) and I’m a male.

Dear Sleeping Alone,

I really respect you writing me. Clearly, this is a huge question to answer but it’s kind of kismet considering I just got back from the AEE Expo and AVN (The Oscars of porn) in Las Vegas.

You mentioned that you thought your age was not important, but I think it is. I assume your wife is also 24, or somewhere around there. You got this woman to marry you after you cheated on her ten times, yet you are both so fucking young! When I was 24 years old, I made a lot of mistakes, and I also put up with a lot of crap from men because I did not have that much confidence yet. If your wife and you have been together long enough to have you cheat on her over ten times and to still get over that and get married, then it’s safe for me to assume that you might have been her only serious relationship.

Advertisement

It’s great that you have recognized that you have a sex addiction, but now you need to seek treatment. You also need to leave your wife and let her live a happy, full life with someone who is not going to cheat on her with transsexual prostitutes. If you truly love this woman, then you will let her move on without you.

The only reason she is cooking for you sometimes, watching Big Bang (no judgment) with you and giving you the occasional hug is because, even though you have hurt her over and over, she still cares about you as a person and you are simply there. Neither of you are going to be able to move on unless you are physically and emotionally separated. You staying there and clinging onto her for support is fucking bullshit. She is broken and damaged and she is NOT your Band-aid.

You need to be the bigger person here and end it. Then, you need to go to a really great therapist (your wife probably will have to as well) and work through your sex addiction. The worst is over. You admitted you have a problem, now you have to do something about it. No one is going to do it for you. Be your own Band-aid.

I wish you luck and I hope that one day, you can enjoy sex and pornography in a healthy way.

Love,
Mish

QUESTION 2

Hi Mish,

How much does size matter, and what is a good size? Also, how long should a guy keep an erection?  

Thanks,
Boner Brain

Hey Boner Brain!

I’m about to tell you a secret okay? Size matters. I’m sorry, but it does. That said, it’s not the only factor. Let me break it down for you here.

Advertisement

If you’re straight, you must learn how to work a pussy. You cannot be lazy. Take a book out of the library if you have to. There are plenty of great sex books (although some titles, ah-hem, might be questionable.) Do not rely on porn for your sex education. That’s not porn’s job. Porn’s job is to be entertaining and get couples all amped up to fuck. Okay, side tracked…

Anyways, you have to learn how to make a girl cum. Just as much as it’s the girls job to know her body and know how to ride you right so that she can get herself off, it’s your job to be in tune with her too.

I know this guy. He was a model and he had a huge dick. But, he was so lazy and selfish in the sack. Even though he had a perfect penis, he was a bad partner. Who wants to fuck someone who is selfish and lazy? Would you? Sex is about opening up, getting what you want, and giving your partner what he/she wants too. You should be equally as satisfied with pleasing your partner as you are with pleasing yourself.

How long you can last doesn’t really matter, but what you can do in between, before and after really counts. You’ve got to be experimental. So many people just want to skip foreplay and fuck. That’s boring. I once had a boyfriend who was really into whips. It was awesome. We would just do whip play for hours and then work up to the rest. Explore! If you are worried about how long you last, you can always do the following: cocaine, whiskey, or Cialis. But, I don’t think you should be so concerned.

Advertisement

And remember: Always, always protect yourself (with new partners) and take an STD test at least every 3-6 months.

Happy Fucking!

QUESTION 3

Mish,

I’m from Peru. I want to get to know more punk girls, but in my country they all are so stupid. What can I do?

Sincerely,
No Smart Punk Girls

Dear No Smart Punk Girls,

Do you have a valid passport? You do! Well, it’s time to leave the land of stupid punk girls (as you say) and come over to Canada.

Canadian punk girls are the best. Why? Canadian girls are smart. Since we grew up in Canada, we were forced to learn all about Europe, England, and America, as well as our own history.

We’re all well traveled because Canada, although beautiful, gets boring. So, we like to get out and experience the rest of the world. We are inherently social and nice because we think being rude is for assholes and we hate being told we are assholes. Yes, the stereotype is true: Canadian girls will say “sorry” if we have to spit after we blow you. It’s not that we’re submissive; we just know that swallowing is where it’s at. Fuck tissues.

Canadian girls have great skin, too. It’s all that fresh air. Our pores are like empty clouds floating over our angelic faces. Canadian punk girls know a lot about Canadian punk bands, which I’m sure you do not. We’ll show you our Dishrags 7 inches and we’ll let you read our lyrics when we’re high (we are always slightly high on something) and we’ll take you out to meet all our cute punk friends. Plus, there aren’t a lot of eligible male punks in Canada (they are either taken or gay), we are always on the hunt for a hot boy toy we can make our slave. You into that? We’re into you.

Advertisement

Love,
Mish

Email Mish with a question of your own. Looking for more Ask Mish?

A Leaked Nude Pic and a Cowardly Married Man

Surprise Viagra Dosages, Cheating on the Beach, and Fun with Feces

Cocaine Libidos, Gang-Bang Fantasies, and Pervy Language Teachers