Toronto Just Fired the Greatest Mayor of All Time
Rob Ford at his victory party in 2010, after being elected mayor.
Toronto has had a very exciting 24 hours. Last night, our Canadian football team won the Grey Cup. This morning, we fired our 64th mayor: Rob Ford. Over here at the VICE Toronto office, we fell in love with this amiable, clumsy, fat drunk guy early on. It was love at first laugh, after he chased a reporter out of City Hall for calling him a "fat fuck." We understand that this is the same guy who was arrested for a DUI in Florida while he was riding dirty with a bag of weed, and yes, ol' Rob may or may not have threatened to kidnap his own children, but he was our kidnapping, reckless driving, weed loving mayor.
Inevitably, Rob's downfall came from his one tragic flaw: a love of high school football. Yes, Rob coached a high school football team in Etobicoke called the Don Bosco Eagles, and those little fuckers took Rob down. All the trouble really started when Rob was a city councillor. Back then, he was writing letters asking for donations to the Don Bosco Eagles using "official letterhead and other city resources," which caused some people over at City Hall to find this swinging of City Council dick to be a massive conflict of interest. Later on, when he was mayor, he personally voted against the motion for Rob to repay the donors and give them their dirty football money back.
When Rob was on trial to defend his solicitation of football donations, the prosecution argued that ol' Ford was "willfully ignorant" of breaking Toronto's Conflict of Interest Act. Despite all the haters, Rob Ford continued to use his special powers to make things easier on Etobicoke's finest high school football players. Earlier this month, two Toronto Transit buses were emptied so that they could go and pick up Rob's football team. Rob claims it was all a misunderstanding. He said that the buses were diverted to stop a fight between the two teams playing that day, a fight that Rob blamed on the opposing team's coach, and honestly, we believe him entirely.
Rob Ford exhibiting his sweet moves on the gridiron.
The best part about Rob's storied reign as Toronto's supreme ruler, is that the laughs just didn't seem to ever want to stop. Remember when he had to pee at a CFL game and accidentally walked into the Calgary Stampeders' locker room at half-time? Presumably drunk as fuck? Or how about this past summer, after the horrifyingly tragic shooting on Danzig St. in Scarborough, when Rob ordered the deportation of "white, pink, or purple" people?
We'll always remember Rob Ford as a man of the people, who always had time for his loyal subjects. One very lucky mother and daughter got to see Rob in person, while he was obviously on an important call pertaining to official city business, as he was talking on his cell phone and driving. The mother, a concerned citizen, warned the mayor of the dangers of driving while talking on a cell phone. Rob, understandably bothered, flipped off the nosey woman who was driving with her six year old daughter. He had to teach that mother and daughter a hard lesson about Rob's personal immunity to safe driving laws, and we're sure they're better off for it.
Another snoopy citizen spotted Rob Ford reading while he was driving. This concerned stick-in-the-mud tweeted a photo of Rob watching his paperwork instead of the road, and it caused a bit of a stir. Rob Ford calmly explained to the press that he was "probably busy" and fully admitted to reading and driving. When else is the guy gonna read? He's only going to be on the can for so many hours in a day.
Robbie reading in the whip.
Tough love driving lessons aside, Rob was always looking out for the well being of Toronto's citizens. Six months before he was elected mayor, Rob suggested that one of his constituents, a guy named Dieter who was complaining about health problems, "score" some OxyContin "on the street." Rob claims he was just trying to get out of an awkward phone conversation by suggesting that Dieter should go and buy some drugs illegally, to help fix Dieter's chronic pain. Perfectly understandable behaviour for a mayoral candidate.
Not only did he care for Toronto's citizens on a personal level, he was a strong proponent of health and wellness for the public good. This summer, Rob Ford started a "Cut the Waist" program where he vowed to lose 50 pounds. Instead, he lost 17 pounds, fell off his scale, and canceled the program.
Rob Ford, pointlessly trying to shed a few extra pounds.
Even though he sucked at losing weight, it didn't matter to us, especially because Rob Ford absolutely adores the media. So much so that he tried to get into some playful fisticuffs with a Toronto Star reporter who was on assignment, checking out a plot of land near Rob's house that Rob intended to buy from the City. Sadly, the reporter was not in on Rob's joke, as he said "just don't hit me" as the mayor approached him. The reporter claims that: “At some point, [Rob] charged with a fist cocked at his head as if he wanted to punch me," but that just sounds like hearsay to us.
Then there was the time that Marg Delahunty from the Canadian political satire television institution "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" showed up at Rob's house unannounced to surprise Rob and film a segment for the show. Totally playing along, as the devoted lover of modern performance comedy that he is, Rob told the media he felt "ambushed" and called 911. In 100 years from now, Rob will be viewed as the Andy Kaufman of Canadian municipal politics.
So there you have it, Rob Ford's legacy was highly eventful. Unfortunately, it was foiled by the complicated needs of a high school football team, like precisely zero other Canadian politicians before him. The judge has allowed Rob to stay in office for the next 14 days, at which point our deputy mayor Doug Holyday will probably take over office. Rob has even been told that he can run for mayor in the next election, which would certainly result in an extremely entertaining campaign. Hopefully with time, the people of the city will realize what a splendid and special leader we once had.
Until we meet again, Robbie.