How Would You Explain Having Dismembered Genitals in Your Wallet?

A man in South Africa recently murdered his nephew, dismembered his body, hid most of it in a forest and kept the dick in his wallet. I assume he had the intention of using it for some kind of witchcraft ritual, because – after seven dedicated hours of pondering – I can't think of any reasonable explanation for why else he'd want to carry round a sliced-off penis on his person at all times.

Presumably the guy 'fessed-up immediately because, unless you're an expert liar, there's very little that would quickly spring to mind when trying to explain what the hell you were doing with a severed cock. Although, maybe there is? Maybe people get caught with male genitalia in their wallets the whole time and get away with it?

I wanted to see how, so I went and asked some strangers a question: How would you explain having dismembered genitals in your pocket?

Hal, 30: Oh, it's definitely some sort of dark, cannibalistic ritual, I reckon. That’s what I’d go with, anyway.

VICE: Why not pretend it’s yours?
Yeah, I could do. I sometimes find myself needing a back-up penis, so I suppose that could help.

Luke, 22: Wait – as in, like, severed? Or still attached?

Severed.
Is it his own? Or someone else’s?

Someone else’s.
Oh, OK. Well, there are numerous possibilites. He could have done up his flies and serrated it with the zip. Y'know: chopped it off and – bang – it just landed in the wallet.

Would you pretend it was yours?
Yeah, I’d say it was mine. Had an accident this morning, put it in my wallet just in case.

In case you get a chance to sew it back on?
Yeah, you never know when you’re going to find someone with a thread and needle. Is it just the one?

Yeah, it’s not a menagerie.
If it’s more than one you could pass it off as some sort of hobby.

Emma, 29: My answer is: I haven’t got a clue. You could just say you were a donor. You know, like when people carry round a heart or lungs, or whatever, in ice for reattachment. Just jump on a bike and pretend you’re a delivery service.

I'm pretty sure you still wouldn't get away with that.

Hugh, 24: Well, it really depends on the situation and the context for that one.

He murdered his nephew and kept his balls in his wallet.
Ah, I don’t know if I can explain that, really. I think at that point you’ve just got to hold your hands up and admit it. You’ve got to give up the game, really.

So you wouldn’t try and get away with it?
Nah. If there's one thing I've learnt in life so far, it's that when you get found with bollocks in your wallet, you’ve just got to take it on the chin.

(L - R) Jesse, Jeremy, Zach, Mikey and Bryan from the band The Neighbourhood. They operate under a no-colour-photo policy because they're arty or they want to control their image, or something, so sorry about the black and white.

Mikey: After I was done throwing up, I’d freak the fuck out.
Zach: I’d say I was framed. You don't want to be known as the guy who was found with balls in his wallet.
Bryan: Yeah. Sometimes you might find 20 bucks in your pocket that you didn’t realise you had, which is great, actually. But a pair of balls? There'd be no point in explaining, you'd sound like an idiot any way you approached it.
Jesse: I’d say it wasn’t my bag.

Bags were never involved – they're in your wallet.
Jesus. Is it bigger than mine? I could just say I'd bought a new one for an upgrade and was keeping it in my wallet until I got the chance to have it sewn on.

I can definitely see someone using that excuse and being laughed at.

Amina, 22 (left) and Claire, 36.

Claire: I'd say someone planted them there
Amina: Yeah. I mean, I clearly didn’t bloody do it, did I?

But what if you did?
Claire: I’d pretend I was mad, I think.
Amina: Oh! Simple – I'd just saw it was my own. How about that one?

You are a girl. That would not work.

Previously - What's the Most Disturbing Thing You've Seen Online?