Actually, the John Lewis Advert Is Just Illuminati Propaganda, Isn't It?

Oh hello, it's just me, the only woke person still left on planet Earth. Because while all of you are mindlessly swallowing down the latest John Lewis ad – heartwarming, is it? Made you get goosebumps, did it? Little tear in your eye when that hokey old blind fucker gets his little Christmas present, is it? Scum – I'm just here noticing that every frame of the latest John Lewis advert is blatant Illuminati symbolism. I am serious about this. I am risking my literal life pointing all this out to you and putting my name on it. If they find me still and dead in a ditch tomorrow, deep maroon blood trickling from the corner of my stone cold mouth, know that They did this to me.

Anyway, you may as well watch it, if you haven't already watched it. Go on: go out of your way to watch an advert. Capitalism won years ago. You don't even need to feel bad about it any more.

Let's consider how every moment of this is Illuminati tomfoolery designed to warp and overcome our puny mortal minds, hiding in plain sight, the Illuminati, always, their symbolism rife through popular culture and the powers that be, and also this new John Lewis advert about some guy inexplicably living on the moon. Like: sir, where are you getting your oxygen from.

But anyway:

So, I mean, we open with the most Illuminati shot possible: a girl looking through a telescope. A girl – motive unknown, but I have a theory that she is the Devil or possibly some sort of horned Devil-child – looking through a telescope, balanced on a tripod.

Step back and think, sheeple: the most iconic Illuminati image is that of The Pyramid, a representation of society (the thick layers of pyramid making up the triangle) being ruled over by an Illuminati Elite (Beyoncé, essentially), in a high castle with a floating eye on top. It is a hide-in-plain-sight display of strength, power, influence. It is right there in the John Lewis advert.

The tripod is a pyramid and the telescope is a literal all-seeing eye.

Did I just blow your fucking mind? Because we are only about six seconds into this thing. This rabbit hole goes down deep to the very molten core of the planet.

Triangle.

Triangle.

Triangles. And a clear metaphor of the Illuminati looking down upon the Earth they control using dark forces beyond mortal comprehension. Can you get more woke, please? Can you sit up straight at the back and try to pay attention? Slap yourself around the face a little and open a window. Open your eyes and wake up.

Presented without comment:

And now we're in the meat of the advert, the actual bit about Christmas. The Devil-child clomps down the stairs to go to a Christmas party, and— oh, what's that? An innocent Christmas decoration?

Or is it actually a pentagram – an Illuminati sign derived from the Goat of Mendes attacking heaven with its horns – and a snake, a symbol of temptation, the same snake that tempted Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden now wrapped around a bannister at a middle class Christmas party, waiting to impact forbidden knowledge with a dark hiss in the ear, luring one more pure and innocent soul into the clutches of the Illuminati's wiry, strangling hands?

Hint: it's definitely a pentagram and a snake. Oh, here she is—

Yeah, that's definitely not Pan the Horned God, is it? Pan the Horned God here to trash your Christmas party. Pan the Horned God taking control of the iPod and insisting on putting a load of Demi Lovato on. Pan the Horned God eating all the purple ones out of the communal Quality Street barrel. Pan the Horned God converting all the Christians from the path of the light to the dark of the moon, and then filling a party popper with hummus instead of streamers and setting it off in your face.

Baubles are just apples that the snake (tinsel) tempted Adam and Eve with in the Garden of Eden. I mean, come on people: this is Illuminati 101

Horns, snake, pentagram: that's a full house in Illuminati bingo. Dob your numbers off and come to the front to collect your meat board.

Sidebar, but: if you think a seven-year-old girl, Devil child or nay, could deliver a package to the moon using only balloons without the help of a shadowy cabal of blood oath brothers led by Beyoncé then: you are incorrect.

"Hi mate, merry Christmas, I got you a load of fucking triangles, love the Illuminati xxx"

A lot of John Lewis advert scholars and academics say that this gesture is a wave, a typically human motion of greeting.

But look a little closer: is her hand truly open and extended in the style of a wave? Or is she actually in the middle of balling it up into a fist, more akin to the "As Above, So Below" sign of hermetism, traditionally associated with the Satanic goat god Baphomet?

Dunk your head in a trough of cold water because you are not yet woke enough.

A sole open eye is a clear sign of the Illuminati, I don't care if there's a single dehydrated old man tear rolling out of it.

Oh look, Baphomet's back, saluting the Earth he owns with a gesture of impunity wrenched from the bowels of hell itself. Plus the "V" in "love" is a triangle pointing down, towards the infernal regions. Plus, I think his braces might form a sort of triangle shape, too.

Stop letting your dumb emotions get in the way of the truth. You're nothing but meat to be owned by these cruel John Lewis overlords. This world is built on conspiracy and lies. This low-luxe department store with its heartwarming and emotional Christmas adverts doesn't give a shit if you live or if you die. There is Us and there is Them, and never the twain shall meet. The only path towards the power and the glory is through the tunnel of evil. Hand yourself over to the gods of the underworld and bleed on the sand in the name of the devil. Buy this little plushy of a moon man for £95. Show someone they are loved this Christmas. Wake the fuck up.

@joelgolby

More stuff from VICE:

London's Million Mask March Was a Weird, Awkward Pantomime

I Spent a Month Dating Sugar Mamas and I Wouldn't Do It Again

The New James Bond Movie Is Way Too Sane and Relevant