Stuff

Tatler's In-House Dachshund Was Killed Yesterday

By Candida Hesketh-Prowell

UPDATED: Article updated as per phone call from Tatler press office, 4:45PM, 15/01/13.

It is with a heavy heart that I share with you today reports that Alan – Tatler’s in-house dachshund, and a favourite with London’s society high-rollers – was trapped and killed in the revolving doors of Vogue House early yesterday morning.

Regular guests to the office, including superstars Liam Payne, Count Nikolai Von Bismarck and The Queen, are reportedly devastated after hearing of the accident. The Delevingnes – with whom Alan is rumoured to have holidayed last year – are also said to be distraught about the death of the poor pooch, who enjoyed nothing more than a low-cal snack, a rub under the chin and a quiet wee in the fashion cupboard.

After his quick daily stroll through Mayfair, Alan attempted to bolt through the iconic doors with a member of Tatler's staff, causing the two of them to become jammed in its revolving mechanism. A fire engine was scrambled to the site in an attempt to successfully liberate the pair, but while the human survived, poor Alan ultimately perished, on the cusp of the very building which has created and destroyed innumerable fashion and journalism stars. But Alan was, of course, the brightest star of them all.

It seems certain that a full investigation will be launched into his death, with Tatler favourites Samantha Cameron and Sienna Miller already promising to draw on their London Met connections.

Sources tell me that a don't-take-dogs-in-revolving-doors awareness campaign fronted by Chelsy Davies and Hugh Laurie is also in the pipeline, aiming to alert metropolitan dogs and their owners to the perils of unconventionally rotating entrances.

There will also, of course, be a black-tie fundraising ball held in sad memoriam.

In the wake of this disaster, there is little we can do but mourn the tragic passing of a creature with more nobility in his little toe than, you could argue, could be ascribed to the rest of the building. Though it is difficult to react rationally to this news (Livia Firth had to be forcefully removed, after she chained herself to the railings outside using up-cycled ties), it would seem remiss to blame the member of staff for what appears to have been a horrible accident.

After spending 20 minutes trapped in a revolving door with a dying dog, the staff member in question was discovered in the late hours of yesterday evening, begging for asylum at the Hearst building just around the corner. They were, naturally, stripped of their role at the company, and “blacklisted from fashion, for EVER”, effective today.

Early reports that Alan had been decapitated in the incident, and that he was being walked at the time by a Tatler intern, have both been denied by the magazine's press department.

Our hearts go out to those affected, but mostly to Alan; an adorable little dog who had no fucking idea what he was getting himself into.

RIP IN PEACE LITTLE FRIEND xoxo