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Allow me for one moment to put one foot firmly on the desk like a cool substitute geography teacher with a ponytail: hey kids, let's talk about sex. Imagine me unpeeling a greasy condom and putting my entire forearm in it. I am making intense eye contact with all of you, here. I am saying: no laughing at the back. I am saying: If you're too embarrassed to put your entire forearm and a few fingers from the other hand into a condom in front of a room full of people, then you're not mature enough to have sex.The deflated, ruined condom lying prone on the table now, everyone tensely aware of it while I am pouring out a palm full of spermicidal gel. Me saying: The rhythm method does not protect you from STDs. Me going: I hear you kids like anal now. If you want to avoid more of these horrible, horrible lectures, start rubbering up, try to avoid overlapping sexual relationships too much, and if you're in a high risk group get your junk checked now and again. And that goes double for anyone in Hackney. Class dismissed.Follow Joel on Twitter.READ ON MOTHERBOARD: Why Are Condoms Still a Thing?