Hey Ron! - Don't Fart Where You Eat

We planned on discussing the elections with Ron this week, but something much more important popped up. Yes, someone sent Ron the video of the kid who was reprimanded with detention for farting all over his school bus and laughing about it repeatedly. The nerve! Of course, Ron has a unique take on the smelly situation.

First of all, passing gas is not a national pastime so I don’t know why the parents are hip-hip hooraying their kid. It is a natural pastime, but farting is not a game. It’s not like “This is my exercise for the day. Let me flex my stomach muscles and release one.” There are people on the bus; that’s not cool. So when the parents go, “He’s just passing gas. What’s the big deal?” it makes me think that’s what they do for sport. And as you can see, all three of them are way overweight. Maybe they should start jogging around the park instead of talking about farting like their kid won an award for track and field.

Detention is, I think, the best thing for this kid. Maybe he’ll learn. The parents seem to be those kind of parents where if their kid beat up a smaller kid, they’d go, “Oh, they’re just kids. That’s what kids do—they play fight.” But as soon as their kid gets beat up, they say, “Your kid shouldn’t be beating up on my kid!” They’re losers.

Farts happen, but it wasn’t like he just did it and said he was sorry. He was cracking up while everyone else was like, “Ew, this stinks.” That’s not a funny joke for anyone but him. I don’t want to smell it and neither does anyone else. I’ve got my own gas to worry about.

I try to cleanse my system. I go to the bathroom when I have to pass gas. It’s called “releasing.” That said, my stomach has a mind of its own. When it’s ready to come out, it comes out. I don’t tell it when. But, if other people are around, there’s no way I am going to draw attention to it by laughing. I’m not a toddler or an idiot.

If my child farted in public, even if it was an accident, I would say, “Next time excuse yourself. It’s not polite to have everyone smell what you had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If she laughs about it, then she’s getting punished, because she’s not respecting anyone around us, not even me. I’m not having that as a parent. I’m her parent and I can tell her that farts aren’t funny. If she lies and says she doesn’t think farts are funny and later I catch her chuckling about her flatulence, then she might end up clothes-less, meaning there will be no Christmas clothes and no birthday clothes. If she pushes it she could even end up homeless.

I’m not sure why I’m referencing a female here, because I’ve never known a woman to own up to farting. It’s always men. Girls will hold it until they can’t breathe. If they let it out, it’s because you put it on them hard during sex. But that’s not on purpose. So if any of you guys think farts are hysterical, why don’t you try laying one in bed with your girlfriend one night. You might find it humorous at the moment, but when you don’t get any that night you’re going to realize that it wasn’t quite so funny after all.

Previously on Hey Ron!: MY DAD TAKES IT UP THE SHITPIPE KENNY POWERS SUCKS THE DARKEST DAY-AFTER MY COUSIN'S HOT WHEN'S THE ROBOT REVOLUTION? If you need advice only our man Ron can provide, send it here.