Hey Ron! Should I Marry a Manslut?
Jan 18 2013
I'm turning 30 in a few weeks. My marriage countdown clock is doing that beeping thing time bombs do when they're closing in on zero. I’ve been dating the perfect guy. We've known each other for a long time, but we just started taking things to the next level. He's smart, funny and great in the sack. Plus, he's close with all of my friends, so it's easy for us all to kick it together. The problem is, he's a little too close.
I fell in love with him three years back when I saw a shirtless pic of him on my girl’s phone. Since then, he's had his way with most of my girlfriends. But none of them understand him like I do. Am I making a mistake trying to turn this man into a one-girl guy? Even though he ran through my crew, nothing would make me happier than having his baby and being his wife.
Dear Ms. Save-a-Slime-Ball,
How can you love someone who everyone's been making love to? I could never see myself dating a girl who slept with all of my friends. Every time I'd kiss her, I'd wonder who else I was kissing. Or what else I was kissing... For me to date a girl like that, I'd have to leave the state just to keep all of the jealous thoughts out of my head. That’s too much trouble. You need to find someone untainted.
The reality is that most neighbourhoods aren't that big. So if you're dealing with a guy everybody's slept with, everyone's is going to know. And it’ll be hard to have him around your girlfriends now, when you know they’ve already done the nasty. What’s going to stop him from going there again? Your friends? They already showed you how they like to get down.
I’ll give you an example from my life. I once had a threesome with a friend and a girl he was dating. The three of us were hanging out one time and my homie said, “We're going to get a hotel,” so I said, “OK, catch you later.” But he stopped me. “No, no, no. It's for us... She wants both of us.” I was like, “Whatever. She's hot.”
It turned out that my method was better than his because after the incident, she took a liking to me. She ended up hanging out with me more and more, and him less and less. She was a great girl, but I just couldn't date her knowing the way she used to get down before we became close. There is a possibility that her love for me would have kept her from sleeping with my boy again or jumping into a ménage à trois with a couple of random dudes – but I doubt it. Either way, in the back of my mind, I'd never trust her. So I played it smart, and we just stayed friends with benefits. And that's how it ended with us.
It’s totally cool for you to sleep with this guy. Get it in and have fun. Everybody else is. But don’t mess around with getting pregnant. Once you start a relationship and bring a kid into it, everything changes. It's like having a police record. You can't escape it. The last thing you want to do is be stuck with his baby while he’s out porking your girlfriends.
Look at Kanye's situation as a cautionary tale. Why would he get involved with a girl who's known for sleeping around? She was married to that basketball player for what, three weeks? And then there was the sex tape with Ray J. By the time Kanye's kid is in sixth grade, he'll have seen his mummy getting it on with a guy who isn't his dad. Without a rubber, too! How is Kanye going to explain that? “Your mum made some mistakes.” A mistake is doing something once. Twice, maybe. But what Kim has is a pattern of self-destructive behaviour. That's what your boo has, too.
Kanye is tied in now. Having a kid is a 20-year commitment. Whether he stays with Kim or not, he's going to have to go through drama with her. I mean, I would give Kim six kids, because that would make me famous. But I'm not Kanye. Don't make the same mistake he did. Cut your losses and fall in love with someone else. Whatever your man considers love is probably just sex, and he’s been getting a lot of it, from you and everybody else. This is a new year. Start fresh and find a fella whose favourite game isn't hide the salami.
Previously - Hey Ron! with a Vengeance
Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and antisocial thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions at HeyRon@vice.com or tweet them at @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets his or her question answered will receive his or her very own Hey Ron! T-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.