Kelly's Krush Korner - Mark Wahlberg

Mark Wahlberg has a new movie coming out. I can’t remember what it’s called and have no idea what it’s about, but I’m pretty certain I will go to see it simply because I like his face or something. Is it weird to have that sort of non-descript loyalty to someone you’ve never met, and probably never will meet? Well, it’s a good thing I don’t give two shits what you think about me and Mark Wahlberg and how we feel for each other. Feel THESE vibrations, sluts.

There are two things that I want you to remember about Mark Wahlberg and I can’t decide which one I want to talk about first so I’ll just let it flow. HEY! Do you remember the roller coaster fingering scene from Fear? So then you probably still come a little bit every time you hear “Wild Horses,” even if it’s at the dentist or while getting your oil changed? Me too. And for the #2 thing I want you to remember: HEY! Remember when Mark Wahlberg was MARKY MARK and worked part time as a Calvin Klein underwear model? Well I have a little story about that…

OK, so in my formative years I was pretty sure I wanted boobs over anything else, but I also liked thinking about boners from time to time as well. I sort of still do. BUT, before you start (and by start I mean continue) sending me ween pics, what I mean when I say that I liked/like thinking about boners is that I like having tube-like mushy things rammed inside of my lady hole, but that has nothing to do with a real boner, and that’s why I’m a lesbian. Well, to backtrack a little, I sometimes Google videos of guys masturbating while keeping their privates INSIDE of their underwear so that I can’t see that sea urchin-looking thing, but only the way more sexy implication of it, and then I also masturbate while watching them masturbate.

So boners are fine, I guess, as long as I don’t ever see them, which (FULL CIRCLE) is what was so great about Marky Mark’s underwear ads because you could think about the fact that he had a giant, famous penis, but not have to see hairs and veins (I just barfed) and stuff. I distinctly remember ripping out full-page color Marky Mark underwear ads from Rolling Stone or whatever and masturbating to them under the safe shield of my canopy bed. At that glorious moment of my tiny pants’ death, I’d lick Marky’s one dimensional, hairless chest and take comfort in knowing that I’d never ever never have to have a man nipple in my actual mouth. All those little hairs? Are you serious?

Another thing I really like about Mark Wahlberg is his funny little voice. Have you heard his voice lately? He somehow sounds girlish and manly/psycho all at the same time. His tone always implies that he could REALLY go ape shit on you, and I like that in an orgasm giver.

I’m gonna watch some Marky Mark videos now and tell you what I think about them. First up is the classic “Good Vibrations.”

- Ew, he looks so angry.
- Is he gonna have sex with that lady and not take his head bandana off?
- Why does he have a cane?
- He’s bad at sex. This pretty lady keeps opening and closing the blinds, and rolling down her pantyhose, and he’s like, “nope, too busy, gotta weightlift these cinder blocks.”

For a second I couldn’t even remember if Marky Mark had other videos, but then I found more. I’m watching “Wildside” now.

- He’s walking so slow.
- I think this should be my new karaoke song. I wonder if they have it at karaoke places. I suppose I could just bring my own CD. They let you do that, right?
- WHO THE FUCK IS ANNIE????
- If he’s so upset about crack, then why doesn’t he have a shirt on?

Alright, I’m gonna go listen to “Wild Horses” now. Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Previously - Maya Rudolph