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Let's All Argue About Fabio Capello

By Oliver Motson-Winter, Fabio Capello

It's the resignation of the England football manager that everyone is talking about – but should Fabio Capello have been allowed to quit as England manager, thus consigning yet another international tournament to failure? Or should he have been kept on, and left to gambol free with John Terry in his utopian dreamland where people are deemed innocent until they are proven guilty? Let's have an argument about it in an attempt to make everything better.

FABIO CAPELLO WILL DO LIKE HE DAMNED WELL PLEASE
by Fabio Capello

I'm going to-a bake a pizza pie. My hovercraft is full of eels. John Terry – I know a-nothing. Mi scuzi, j'ai un reunion maintenant. The man he say a word which in Italy we know to be harmless. Fabio have many friends of the colours in Italy. It don't a matter if you blue, green, black, yellow, Fabio love you all. In Italy, we say 'picaninio' as a way to show the affection for los negro-negros. So what if he look like a monkey? Fabio look like a leather cloth you clean the windshield with. He don't care. Take yourself a joke, matey, as they say in England.

Honestly, Fabio love the English – the Madame Tussauds, the six million pounds a year, the Beckingham Palace, the traditional cosy English caviar bar, the London Eye Wheel, the quaint English tradition of property speculation, Stone Hinge, your comedy duo Anton Dec. But Fabio have his limits. Fabio a patient man, but Fabio not gonna be pushed around by anyone just cos they pay him the five hundred thousand pounds every month in the Cayman Islands bank account to keep his trap shut. He need the best players to lose in the quarter finals. How he gonna draw with Armenia if he has to rely on a defender worth only £19 million, not £20million? How he gonna lose a pool game to Slovakia if he not got John Terry to tell the Motson man "We should have taken advantage of more opportunities" afterwards? It don't make no sense. No one else in the England team got the crazy intellectual power of John Terry – he a genius with words (no, not the words you thinking of, Mr FA, hahaha!).

Fabio just wish the FA could see what Terry say to me in the dressing room about los charcoalios. Then they really understand that what Terry say on the pitch is like a side-salad. Mr FA, you just lucky he not do his impressions with the banana and The Autobiography Of Malcolm X, then you really see what racism mean. OK. Now time for bye-bye. Ola chica. Sandwiche tostado. Signoritas. Mi scuzzi. Bunga-bunga. Figaro, Figaro.

What's-a matter you? Annoyed and infuriated by this opinion? Find some much-needed empathy and solace at this dark hour on page two.