London Fashion Week Roundup: Day Three

London Fashion Week is going strong in a bejeweled flurry of C-list celebrities, overdressed middle-aged men and hyper-inflated egos. So you don't have to deal with any of that nonsense, we'll be going down every day to cover the shows that we think matter the most. Here's what happened on the third day.

PREEN BY THORNTON BREGAZZI

I’m going to level with you guys. I was about to write the Preen show report, then literally nothing happened, and nothing happening was so much more interesting than the Preen show that I got distracted. By nothing happening. Do I need to keep making that joke or can I stop now? If you like navy blue and snakeskin print, big patches of fabric sewn together on shift dresses and models with long hair (read: are you the kind of human whose own mother thinks they're dull?), this was the show for you.

Preen’s collection was completely devoid of any character or charisma. It wasn’t shiny and snappy enough to be heiress-cool, it wasn’t tailored enough to be sexy and it wasn’t distinctive enough to be classic. There is nothing about this collection that is of note, other than that the entire thing was entirely inoffensive, which, as we all know, is much, much worse than bad taste. Expect to see Samantha Cameron wearing all of it.

CHRISTOPHER RAEBURN

Christopher has been one of the names on "Ones To Watch" lists ever since his first collection four years ago, and for very good reason. Why every sartorially-informed female in Britain isn't wearing his military fabrics in sportswear cuts, rather than wholesale ripping off whatever the X Factor hosts were pictured wearing in the latest Grazia, I have no idea.

Anyway, this season emulated much of what we've seen from Raeburn in the past – heavy on the military influence, light on the all-out, full-camo military that makes people look like murderous sociopaths if they wear it in public. The show leaned towards the aviation side of the killing industry, meaning flight escape maps as prints on dresses and playsuits and these great onesies made out of parachute fabric. It's all the kind of thing I'd wear to the gym if I was into making other people feel bad about themselves and had a disposable income that made Donald Trump's eyes water. I guess I'd have to actually start going to the gym for that to work, though.

MARIOS SCHWAB

Marios Schwab has a lovely smile and a lovely handsome face. Honestly, it’s probably his face that convinced me to go back and re-assess my immediate dislike of his Spring/Summer collection. So I have and I quite like it now, but, at first sight, it felt messy and over-wrought. There were a billion separates piled on top of each other, plus pleats, harnesses, beading, fringing, cutaway patterns, netting and more things I don’t know the name of and you really don’t care about. But you get the point: the women, he made them wear lots of things.

It looked a bit like there was a lucky dip for all the designers to pick their inspiration from and Mario's just ran away with the whole bag. On the plus side, the darker stuff worked well and the evening-wear was pleasing, especially everything with a longer, smoother silhouette, rather than the short, beaded creations I can only see on Pixie Lott and no one else. The colour scheme was a bit too primary for my taste, but a sheer nude dress with blue tinsel detailing and a clay-red collar was definitely very cool. Also, the make-up was amazing in a Cleopatra, queen-bee kind of way. See? Not so bad. BTW Marios, if you’re straight, we should totally get dinner.

Photos by Coco Capitan

More LFW to quench your passion for fashion:

Day One

Day Two

Guerrilla Catwalk Show at the British Museum