An Obligatory and Pointless Debate About Coldplay Playing on X Factor

It's the moral tussle over the genre allegiances of a boring rock band that everyone's talking about – but was Coldplay's appearance on The X Factor really the death knell for the band's "underground reputation" (and maybe even the reputation of guitar music itself)? Or was it all just a stupid hoo-ha about something that doesn't really matter?

Us? Well, we couldn't decide, so we created two fake journalists who don't really exist to have it out. Lean closer, hear our clear (yet controversial) arguments for either side of the argument, and let us cool your fires of self-righteous indignation with the whisper: "It's OK, baby – it's the world that's wrong."

COLDPLAY HAVE BETRAYED THE INDIE ROCK FRATERNITY
by Simon Penman

Yellow to the core, Coldplay have finally severed the last linkages between themselves and the indie rock world. Their decision to appear on The X Factor really negates the critical darling status they've built up over the years.

As I was throwing out my copy of A Rush Of Blood To The Head this afternoon – in such haste that I was not even bothering to put it in the correct recycling bin – I was reminded briefly of how much hope these four, young whippersnappers once seemed to hold when we first became aware of their alabaster smooth young faces back in the halcyon musical days of 2000.

Ginger Jonny. Doe-eyed Phil. Sheepish Brian. And of course, handsome Chris. They were the Beatles to U2's Rolling Stones: loveable, cuddly rock and roll stars who took our minds to the furthest reaches of the cosmos with their fabulously daring tunes.

When they did Parachutes, we were all lost for weeks in its glassy gaze. When they did A Rush Of Blood To The Head, we wondered how on earth they would top such a mighty rock record. That, of course, was before we'd heard X&Y. Silly us…

Year after year, they've built up a fanbase that has been in thrall to their every move. But they've chucked that fanbase in the bin now. All that remains is a collection of dispirited husks wandering the musical tundra: dispirited husks who'll never again wince in slight pleasure at the soft lilt in Chris Martin's throat.

The X Factor is a ridiculous pop machine which churns out talentless so and sos who can't sing, can't dance, and don't even sing songs they wrote themselves. We thought he didn't need the money. But we didn't bank on how much Chris needed the publicity. He has bowed before Grinchfather Cowell. Cowell has taken the tributes Chris has laid at his feet, and used them to buy yet more power over the British population. Congratulations, Coldplay: you've aided and abetted the most damaging force against music since home taping.

One day, when the real rock fans are all being rounded up into camps and hosed down with the Zyklon B, I hope you'll feel you've finally sold enough records. I hope, as the ash that was once us swirls into the heavens, that you'll write another song about stardust and remember just where it all began to go wrong for rock and roll: when you were sat at that stupid piano, duetting with those stupid muppets.

Infuriated and appalled by this opinion adopted by a fake journalist for money that doesn't exist? Try out page two for some immediate TLC and to increase our page view stats. Everyone's right on the internet!

COLDPLAY ARE BUILDING BRIDGES
by Ian Reynolds

Coldplay are natural conciliators. Where there is war, they bringeth harmony. Where there is discord, they seweth peace. Where there is people fighting over whether The X Factor is good or not, they bringeth some of their songs, and a piano decorated in a stylishly funky way.

That is Coldplay's true gift: not so much their music, as the power of their music to unite warring tribes. The pop world and the rock world, for so long at odds with each other, like Israel and Palestine, have been reconciled through this one simple gesture of magnanimity on the part of Chris Martin.

Really, he was the only man with sufficient clout to do so. In the same way that "only Nixon could go to China", only a figure with as much industry respect as Chris could have made that leap into the unknown and come out of it a winner.

Yes, sure, he could have gone and stood in the 'cool' corner – leaning against the wall in a leather jacket with a toothpick clenched between his teeth like some enigmatic ne'er-do-well from Kasabian, The Killers or The Kaiser Chiefs. But Chris is not like that. He just wants everyone to hear his music. For him, it doesn't matter if you're black, white, blue or purple, all that matters is that you can share in the warmth of Coldplay's total wraparound greatest hits package, plus a couple of new songs thrown in near the end.

Certainly, X Factor used to be a TV show that you could be either pro or anti. Now, it's a way of life, a communal hearth around which Britain congregates. If there's one thing I know about Coldplay, it's that they will always go where the real people are. Except in public, because there's a strong personal security risk.

To those who say they've only done it to sell more records, I'd point out that this is a band who have never been ashamed of maximising returns for EMI. They consider it a matter of pride that a great British record company should see its share price end the day up half a point simply on the basis of one ten minute performance. Chris, whose dad was an accountant, of all people knows how important it is that the correct marketing mix – product, price, placement and promotion – is in place to maximise total sales. They made the product. They gave it placement, then they sang their hearts out for promotion. The price is of course up to the Johnnies in the boardroom, but you certainly couldn't ask for more than three out of four from the band.

To all the haters: you're welcome to retreat into your indie ghetto with your Oasis b-sides and your Foo Fighters seven-inches. If you want to live in the real world, then feel free to join me, Little Mix, Janet Devlin and lovely Tulisa sipping slingback mules at Coldplay's technicolour global pop party.

Previously: An Obligatory and Pointless Conversation About The BBC Sound of 2012 List