Petition for the North to Secede from the South Hits 12,000 Signatures, As If Anything Is Actually Going to Happen

This article first appeared on VICE UK.

One of those online petitions everyone enjoys and always takes seriously has cropped up, this time petitioning for the North—a shadowy place where the women, haggard from years of lard-based ruin, scream ugly obscenities into the faces of the men, who are essentially dogs who have learned how to wear a cap—to secede away from The South—a poncey domain where chips are served on chopping boards instead of plates and where 100 percent of people called Tarquin are born—to form a "new Scotland," Scotland of course being a place where alcoholism is the only escape from the dark, gloomy days that are neither Burns Night nor New Year's Eve, and where nursery schools give children heroin instead of milk during nap-time, because every single Scottish child is hooked on heroin. Britain.

Right, that's the comments section stoked with fresh wood for burning; now on to the actual crux of the story: some quotes from the page of the change.org petition, dutifully copy and pasted directly from the source. Because that's what we're dealing with here, a change.org petition that, at the time of writing, had 12,000 signatures, all of them garish scrawls written by the hoof-like hands of grunting northerners.

"EEH AH BY GUM," one of the signatories' comments reads. "AH'VE GOT NAY FUCKING DRIPPING FOR ME DINNER AND ME FAVORITE WHIPPET'S GORRAN HOLE IN IT. HANG THE BASTARD TORIES BY THEIR BASTARD TORY NECKS."

Another comment simply reads: "OASIS."

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"The deliberations in Westminster are becoming increasingly irrelevant to the north of England," the petition says. "The northern cities feel far greater affinity with their Scottish counterparts, such as Glasgow and Edinburgh, than with the ideologies of the London-centric south. The needs and challenges of the north cannot be understood by the endless parade of old Etonions lining the frontbenches of the House of Commons. The north of England should join the newly independent Scotland and regain control over its own destiny. We, the people of the north, demand that in the event that Scotland becomes independent the border between England and the New Scotland be drawn along a line that runs between the River Dee and the mouth of The Humber (see map)."

Then there's a map. They're using the hashtag '#TakeUsWithYouScotland,' so as to really stick it to the man.

Thing is, the arbitrary lay-line across which God's Beautiful Country has been severed in two is, in my humble semi-northern opinion, a bit high. Like, you've got Sheffield in there, but not Derby. You've dodged around Nottingham and all the gun crime, but isolated Stoke. When the wall goes up—I'm going to have to insist on a towering, 800ft wall—when the wall goes up, you're going to have a lot of mewling Derby natives scrabbling against it, screaming in their ugly glottal accents about how expensive the pints are now they are legally classed as southerners.

"ARE WE FUCKIN' ECKERS LIKE SOUTHERN CUNTS," they'll be saying, as northern archers pierce their disgusting bodies with arrows. "LERRUS IN THERE WI' YOU LOT, THESE PEOPLE WEAR COATS ON THEIR NIGHTS OUT!" And they will die, their bodies riddled with arrow holes, blood coursing onto the Derby County shirt everyone in Derby is ordered by the mayor to constantly wear, and with their final breath they will curse the unjust gods that did this to them; that made them live in a south in which the bus service runs more than once an hour; made them exist in a world where brown bread is considered a viable option of bread. "Cunts," they'll say, quietly, breathlessly. "Southern fucking cunts."

Anyway, it's not going to happen because it's just an online petition, and nothing ever happens as the result of an online petition—signing an online petition is the modern equivalent of just screaming into a well. So we're safe from the inevitable civil war that will start should The North secede from the South. Still, it does raise a pretty good point about how out-of-touch the MPs in Westminster are, in their ivory towers on their golden thrones, eating caviar off a plate made of lobster, wiping their greasy mouths with a crisp £50 notes. Because, as the SNP landslide in Scotland the other week showed, people are quite up for having actual representation from their politicians.

Should the North be allowed to have its own parliament? No, absolutely not. The expenses scandal when it turns out every MP somehow managed to spend £80,000 [$126,000] a year on chips, bread cobs, and coal mines isn't worth it. Still: it's something to think about, isn't it? It's something to think about over the next five years of inevitably grim Tory rule.

Follow Joel Golby on Twitter.