The Police Even Make Their Own Protests Boring

The smell of bacon and other pork-based products wafted through the otherwise mountain-fresh London air today, as thousands of cops gathered to protest against a 20 percent SLASH to their budget. The meeting point was next to the Millbank tower on the banks of the Thames, where roughly 18 months ago a bunch of students wrecked the Tory Party HQ because they were pissed off about education cuts (or because they just like wrecking things). In comparison, the disgruntled police seemed a pretty docile bunch. There were no on-duty cops guarding the tower, but nobody tried to incite a riot. It set the tone for what was, frankly, a pretty dull protest.

At this point, the only thing enlivening the atmosphere was this guy, who was walking around telling the police what bastards they all were. He had balls of steel. The fact that he was literally frothing at the mouth (I had never seen this happen in real life) somewhat undermined what may or may not have been valid points about police corruption.

There was also this guy. His moustache made it difficult for me to concentrate on what he was saying. I guess you can check out his website if you feel the inclination.

Of course, the Labour Party was glad of another opportunity to have a go at the coalition government. Here’s Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper. In the background, you can see a bandwagon and she’s about to take a running jump onto it.

The whole thing had the feeling of a school outing. Some forces even had little flags so that the little ones in their group didn’t get lost. I decided to speak to a Bobby dressed as a mug:

VICE: Why are you here dressed as a mug?
Name withheld, Derbyshire Constabulary: I feel that the British police force are being taken for… mugs! I see. Why do you feel like that?
The way we’re being treated is disgraceful. The police will never be the same. We have no rights. We can’t strike, we can’t do anything. The government expects us to roll over and accept these cuts. It’s disgusting. We’re not going to give up. I then asked her if she feared being kettled by the on-duty police, but the joke went completely over her head. Some Occupiers were there. I was unsure as to whether they were there to show solidarity with their fellow 99 percenters, or to harass them for continually telling them where they can and can’t pitch their tents. So I asked one.

VICE: Hi. Catchy sign you have there. Are you here in solidarity with the police today?
Chris, 46, unemployed: Absolutely.

Don’t you feel any ill will towards them given the level of political policing that has been happening recently?
I don’t feel any ill towards any individual police officer. It’s not the individual police officer who is bashing you across the head or spraying you with pepper spray. They’re one of the 99 percent, exactly the same as everyone else. The creeping privatisation of all our public services is wrong! Would I get better service out of Serco and G4S? Absolutely not.

When the police were clearing the Occupy camp, were they part of the 99 percent then?
No, they weren’t. I’m conflicted, I must admit. I can’t pick and choose which public services I support.

Hmmm, I’m pretty sure you can. 16,000 black caps were handed out, to represent the number of police officers that the Police Federation claim will be lost if the cuts go ahead. I’m not sure it was the wisest choice, given that the profession already has a bit of a rep for being a fascist bolthole.

Sartorially, the place made me think of what I imagine a Stereophonics concert looks like. I tried to spot an undercover agent, to see if the police police themselves as rigorously as they do the rest of us. I was unable to find an on-duty policeman pretending to be an off-duty policeman to rat out his colleagues, but I did see a member of the public who used to dress up as an on-duty Bobby for money. It was Graham Cole, who played Tony Stamp from The Bill and I grabbed him for a quick chat.

VICE: Hi. Are you here to support the police on their protest?
Graham Cole: Indeed, yeah. I worked with the guys and gals for 25 years while I was researching The Bill. As a member of the public, I just want to see police officers on the streets. Would this have made a good episode of The Bill?
No, not at all! We would never have been able to organise it! We did Notting Hill Carnival one year. That was absolute hell on legs to shoot. Hell! On! Legs! I don’t know whether the TV execs would allow any of the Sun Hill characters to be protesting. Politically, it might have been a little bit difficult. I still think it’s important for me to be here. They supported me really well when I was there and it’s something that the public are very aware of. Is it a cut too far? When you see the riots, they didn’t have enough guys. Every head here is represented by a cut police officer. Having played a police officer, do feel like you can empathise with these guys?
I only played one, so I knew the felon was always going to give up at the allotted point, so it’s very different. I get quite a lot of police officers coming up to me saying that they joined up because they used to watch The Bill. It’s a huge accolade to the programme.

The march began. It was a sober affair, with barely a peep from the assembled mass. You'd have thought some of them would have learned some chants from all the anti-cuts protesters they've spent the last couple of years kettling, but it was so quiet that if you listened carefully, you could hear the sound of irony imploding somewhere in the distance. Having passed the post office, the march went past a separate protest. Two opposing groups of Pakistanis were awaiting the arrival of their Prime Minister. The guys with the green flags accused the Prime Minister of being corrupt and were calling for his resignation. The red, green and black flag holders, on the other hand, said that the judiciary, who had found the Prime Minister guilty of corruption, were themselves corrupt. Wending its way through the streets, the police were met by a trickle of counter-protesters.

This man was angry because he thinks they go after the wrong sort of criminal.

This man was angry because of the institutional racism of the police.

And this man took the opportunity to show the police a broken tooth they had given him at a G20 protest.

By the time the march had reached Victoria Street, a bigger group of counter-protesters had gathered, chanting “Murderers! Murderers!”

I overheard one of the on-duty coppers complain that they were generalising. Good point, I thought. Come on protesters, only some of the police are murderers, lighten up!

The police responded with some good old sarcastic cheering as they walked past, which managed to make them look like callous bastards when the protesters began chanting the names of people who have been killed by the police or died in their custody, like Mark Duggan and Smiley Culture. Some of the protesters also decided to use irony as a weapon, handing out "bust-cards" to the police. There was so much irony flying around the place that I had to have a sit down.

Oh God, not now. Please just fuck off and die.

The march reached an anti-climactic end and the police melted back to their beats. The sheer number of police on this march was pretty impressive, but apart from that it was underwhelming. If the last couple of years have shown us anything, it’s that the government’s cuts agenda means protests, riots, and protests that turn into riots. If the government wants to keep it up, it’s going to need the police to defend itself, which means they had better keep them onside.

I guess it could go one of three ways – the wider anti-cuts movement could ramp up the pressure, making the government need the police to kettle them more than ever, and stump up. Or perhaps the police will cross the divide and refuse to suppress protests any more. Or perhaps this march will achieve nothing, and the cuts will happen anyway – the police will grumble, then shrug, then continue as before, albeit in a worse mood, and who’s gonna be on the receiving end of that? See you in the next kettle, I'll be the one bleeding from both eyes.

Follow Simon: @simonchilds13 and Henry: @henry_langston on Twitter

Previously: A Cop's Guide to Protests