The Quango Awards 2011

They're already calling it "the year the world changed forever", and "the year that freedom came to the Middle East". Yes, that momentous year was 1187 – the year of the siege of Jerusalem, a turning point in The Crusades, and the year rock salt was first taxed in Venice. 2011 though: What's that? A few local difficulties among the Arabs and a newspaper that ceased to be? Like, whatevs… Still, it is all we have to go on, so as a publication trying to fill space in the last days of 2011, it is necessary for us to dress it up as best we can, preferably by filleting some of its political highlights into a list feature. The Non-Gay Icon Of The Year Award
Winner: Liam Fox

Lieutenant Colonel Graham Livesey (or Lt .Col. Graham Livesey as he is known to his friends) was staying in Defence Minister Liam Fox's spare room while his wife was away, when Foxy Foxy's house got burgled by persons unknown days before the 2010 general election. But this very curious fact only leaked into the public light in October of this year, while Fox was being executed by press innuendo over his links to businessman Adam Werrity.

When he was at Glasgow University in the early 1980s, Fox resigned his position on the Student Rep Council when they condemned his decision not to allow a gay students' society to join the union. He did so with the unimprovable line: “I’m actually quite liberal when it comes to sexual matters. I just don’t want the gays flaunting it in front of me, which is what they would do.” The burglars took a laptop, a phone and the keys to his Skoda, but there is no evidence they looked in Liam's closet. The Failed Career Surgery Award
Winner: Ed Miliband

In 1977, Margaret Thatcher took elocution lessons, lowering the octave of her voice to make her more electable. Red-or-dead Ed clearly took inspiration from this icon of the left when he decided to do something about his own voice this July. To make this the last summer of the nasal whine, he had surgery on his deviated septum, spun as 'to cure his sleep apnoea' by his press people rather than 'to make him sound more like Barry White mid-blowjob'. Sadly, those who were expecting Larry Olivier instead heard a career wonk speaking slightly less like he was swallowing his retainer. If all TV advertising voiceovers were done by Ed, the economy would seize up overnight. Perhaps, as Ed got gassed on the operating table, he thought about whether he'd be able to talk at all after the op. Or whether some calamity would mean he'd end up a mute, the first non-speaking man to lead the Labour party: going everywhere with a little board and a piece of chalk, furiously scribbling calculated denials onto a little green slate on The Andrew Marr Show. The world would flock to vote for a mute: they are consistently perceived as more intelligent, and their silence seems to speak volumes about their personal integrity. Unluckily for him, he woke up, and kept on blathering about the same old tedium in much the same old voice, only slightly less spittle-flecked, asking much the same old questions at PMQs about the same old subjects: the poor (boo-hoo) and the economy (giveashit). Ed, baby, go mute: It's the only way to get some respect. The He Shoots, He Misses, Massive Open Goal Award
Winner: Gordon Brown

At the height of the News Of The World scandal, Gordon Brown stood up to speak in the Commons, something he'd only managed once since his de-election. But presented with the biggest baying mob in British history, Super Gord couldn't manage to throw anyone to them except himself, as he mistakenly claimed that The Sun had used hacks to obtain a story about his baby, and fact-checkers lined up to kick his rump on the six o'clock news. Plagiarising My Hero Award
Winner: Nicolas Sarkozy

Nicolas Sarkozy delivered a high quality flick-off to David Cameron in October: “You've missed a great opportunity to shut up.” He might as well have added 'the fuck' between 'shut' and 'up', as the runt-sized agitator is beginning to seem a lot like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. If anyone will push a screwdriver into DCam's throat at the next Eurozone summit, then drive into the Mojave to douse his body in petrol, it will be him. Sadly, the impact of the notorious scarf-wearer's words were somewhat diluted when it turned out he'd cribbed them off of canny old fraudster Jacques Chirac. Greatest Resemblance To A Bear Award
Winner: Angela Merkel

Usually won by Gordon Brown, this year it's bag-eyed sourpuss EU-fuhrer Angela Merkel who takes it home, for her dull yet curious 'hungry' look. If you are camping in the woods and Angela Merkel is nearby, remember to put your food supplies up a tree, preferably wrapped in plastic.

Illustration by Jocelyne Frank

Previously: Quango - Merkozy: The First Wives Club at the Heart of Europe