Have You Ever Pooped Your Pants?
Oh man, Ted looks uncomfortable here. I wonder if his pants are overflowing with shit?
With all this talk of tackling gun control and reeling in the NRA, it seemed only a matter of time before pants-pooping entered the conversation, right? And who better to take it there than Twisted Sister's Dee Snider, who kindly reminded us that NRA board member and singing gun lover Ted Nugent might have been a Vietnam War draft dodger and pants-pooper. According to a Noisecreep interview, Dee said Ted admitted to pooping himself and letting his physical health go to hell so he would fail the physical exam and not get blown to pieces by the Viet Cong.
So what of it? We asked some New Yorkers about their adult experiences with dropping dookies in their trousers.
Kyria (left) and Stephanie, students from Belgium.
Stephanie: Pooped myself? My English isn't so good. Do you mean making a poo-poo in my pants?
Kyria: No, I haven't. But I know people who did when they were drunk. A lot of people, actually.
VICE: Tell us one of their stories.
Kyria: One of our friends blacked out when she was wasted at a party. She woke up the next day but didn't remember pooping on the floor in her room.
Stephanie: That was on the ground, though, so not in her pants.
Have you ever been drunk enough to follow in her footsteps?
Kyria: No, I haven't. But you never know, I guess.
Barry, truck driver: Not as an adult – nuh-uh.
What about other people you know?
Oh yeah. A friend of mine who's also a truck driver told me that one day he had a diarrhea thing going on. He couldn't hold it until he got to the next truck stop, he had to go, so he just said "I'm gonna go in this damn truck."
He was driving?
Yeah. You'll be driving a long distance and, if you got some diarrhea, you're not going to make it to the truck stop, even if you're in a hurry. You have to do what you have do. There's no way you can hold that shit until the next stop.
What about the halfway point, commonly known as sharting? Ever done that on the job?
I do sometimes. Sometimes stuff comes out. You can't hold that shit in. Sometimes you're trying to make a big fart then you let one rip and think 'Oh Lord, I've crossed that line.' It's a different thing that definitely comes up as an adult.
How do you react when it happens?
There ain't shit you can do about it but clean yourself up. Or get yourself a new pair of drawers.
Jordan and Noah, high school students.
Jordan: Like Al Roker at the White House? I haven't recently, I don't think.
Noah: I haven't, but there are stories of friends who have.
Rat them out.
Noah: One of my friends got really scared one night at camp and actually pooped himself. He was like ten at the time.
What about adult sharting?
Jordan: That is a fine line.
Noah: Yeah. But I haven't done it. Not that I know of, anyway.
Jordan: I mean, I usually don't check 'cos I feel like it'd be a little weird if you actually did check. I may have crossed that line, but I just don't know it.
So sharting is all about being out of sight, out of mind?
Jordan: Maybe. My adult sharting status is a definite maybe.
Phoebe, non-profit employee: Done what?
I think you're gonna have to give me the background on what that means.
Dropped a deuce in your pants – done a twosie in your trousers.
Oh my god, no.
What would the circumstances need to be for things to get that dire?
Well, I know when mice die they poop themselves. So I guess it'd take a life-threatening situation or actual death. Fear that my life was about to end.
Any friends who've done it?
No. But I don't think they'd admit to it if they had.
Tim, property development lawyer: Have I ever pooped myself as an adult? Yeah. Yeah, I have.
What's the story?
Well, it wasn't like a full poop. Okay, it was.
The real deal?
It wasn't good. It was not good. You know how it is. You fart when you've got the runs or something and break new ground.
How did you handle it?
You've gotta get out of there right away, you know? Maybe tie a sweater around your waist because by that point you probably have a stain on your pants. It's not a good situation. It hasn't happened often, thankfully.
But you seem to have a plan in place.
You've got to. It's a messy situation.
Tay, college student: I have never pooped myself as an adult, but I still have plenty of years, so who knows.
In the middle of my last interview you shouted out that an ex pooped himself once. Tell me about it.
Okay, I was dating this guy. We were living in India and he got sick the night before my birthday, but the next day he said he felt fine again. We were walking to a bar and all of a sudden he sprints inside a KFC and was in there for like a half hour. Then he comes out, doesn't say anything, and I thought he'd just taken a shit. But, like, normally. Then we continue for the rest of the night and on the rickshaw home five hours later he's like, "Tay, I pooped my pants at the KFC earlier."
How'd he hide the smell from the group?
He tossed his boxers! He was in the bathroom forever cleaning himself. He seemed fine.
And he partied on?
He partied on. He was a good boyfriend. That's love: Pooping your pants on your girlfriend's birthday and keeping it a secret until the night's done.
Yeah, that's the definition of true love.