"Do you run a Christmas gift guide?" You'll be surprised how many times I've been asked this question, in recent months. Three—which is three more than I had last year, when I didn't do this gig full time. Which goes to prove, perhaps, that video games are more consumables than culture, more kitchen appliances than art. Argue that amongst yourselves, or don't, it's your time you're wasting.

Anyway, these questions got me thinking: what do I need a guide for? I've never needed one for shopping, for buying presents for friends and family—though I dare say that both wish that I had. (Always keep the receipts.) But I have used guides for role-playing video games. Definitely Final Fantasy VII, possibly others. (OK, I've flicked through them in GAME, and that's enough.) And because I just replayed The Warlock of Firetop Mountain, which you can read about here, a little light bulb went off in this otherwise blacker-than-midnight brain of mine: a choose-your-own-adventure guide to buying the right games console this Christmas. Do it, the little voice in my head urged. Do it. And, naively, I did. Have "fun."

Do you actually want a new video games console?

Yes: go to 6
No: go to 3
Consoles? Ha! Baby toys. Buy a PC, you imbeciles: go to 15

I'm not about to get into the deeper details or debate around what is and what isn't an "indie" game – but both the Xbone and the PS4 (and the Wii U, for that matter) have their share of titles available that aren't made by massive teams with towering piles of money. Some of these indie games are platform-exclusive affairs, so it's worth checking out reviews and footage before deciding which is the right machine for you. (I mean, you should do that, anyway. Do your research. Don't buy a new console just because I tell you to. I'm not your dad. Probably.)

Microsoft's gigantic brick has Ori and the Blind Forest, a beautiful platformer that is as visually spectacular as it is pad-tossingly difficult at times, and coming up are a couple of potential crackers: Below is a top-down role-player that's promising Dark Souls levels of combat challenge and survival know-how, and Cuphead is a side-scrolling run-and-gun game that looks like it came right off a page at Disney in the 1940s.

On the PS4 you've already got the stealthy Volume, the action-RPG Transistor and the turn-based strategy of Invisible, Inc, all of which are worth investigating – and in 2016 comes the PS4-exclusive indie game that could change everything, No Man's Sky. Want to know about anything else?

Obviously: go to 11
Nah, I'm done and I've made my decision: go to 16

Now this is a battleground so littered with bodies from previous console wars that it's hard to get a true read of the lay of the land. However, with both the PS4 and Xbone now two years into their rivalry, a few gems have emerged. There's dross, obviously. Knack, on the PS4, is just… Look, just don't, OK? And then there's LocoCycle on the One, which takes your absolute lowest expectations for a game about a sentient motorbike dragging a mechanic around and stamps that already-don't-care understanding into the dirt until it's wholly unrecognisable. Both consoles have a handful of mid-tier titles worth a go if you're completely desperate—The Order: 1886 (fantastic facial hair) and Ryse: Son of Rome (shiny shields and swords) certainly look good while playing entirely ordinarily, on PS4 and Xbone respectively. Which brings us to the essentials.

FromSoftware's gothic masterpiece Bloodborne is easily the standout PS4 exclusive of 2015, closely followed by the entirely under-hyped horror of Until Dawn, while the remastered version of the PS3's The Last of Us is a must-play-no-seriously-I-mean-it for when the properly new adventures are on pause. My favourite online multiplayer game of 2015, the jet-powered cars-playing-football hilarity of Rocket League, is PS4 only when it comes to consoles (for now). On the Xbone, the timed exclusivity of the Uncharted-alike Rise of the Tomb Raider makes it a platform-specific best in show, for now, and you've also got Halo 5: Guardians and next year's Gears of War 4 never going blue. Pays your money, takes your choice – assessed purely on exclusives, the two machines are fairly neck and neck, right now. Need to know anything more?

Please, if you don't mind: go to 11
My decision is made: go to 16

You terrific bore.

I'm happy for you. Have all the joy with your new games console.

I appreciate that I could have gone into detail about the hardware, what pad feels better five hours into a session, and which machine streams that episode of Doctor Who you missed last Saturday with no hiccups, but mostly, who cares? You're in this for the games. Those are what matter, and if you're one of these weird partisan freaks who'll only ever buy consoles bearing a certain brand, with no regard given to what fun you can or can't have with it, then more fool you. Course, the correct thing to do is to own all three consoles, so maybe don't eat properly for a few months. It's almost Christmas: steal leftovers from every party, freeze those scraps, and spend what you save across the beginning of 2016 on video games. You'll thank me come March when you're not only a level 39 Witcher, but those Easter Eggs have never tasted so delicious.

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