The Hangover News
Important Historical Breakthroughs
NORTH KOREA HAVE FOUND AN ANCIENT "UNICORN LAIR"
Finally we have conclusive proof that unicorns existed
For years, humanity considered the unicorn to be nothing more than a mythical creature devised by lazy Renaissance poets who were keen to impress notions of purity and grace upon their audience.
But North Korea blew that idea out of the water this weekend, when they found an ancient "unicorn lair" in Pyongyang.
The Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) actually broke the world exclusive on Thursday, but I guess it took a couple of days for cynical Western media outlets to cross-check their sources before they deemed the story newsworthy.
According to a report on KCNA, the lair was discovered by "archaeologists of the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences". Helpfully, the rock surrounding the entrance to the lair had the words "Unicorn Lair" carved into it.
If your mind isn't blown enough already, apparently this wasn't just the lair of any old unicorn, but the one tamed and ridden by ancient Korean King Tongmyong.
Yes – that very same ancient Korean King Tongmyong whose kingdom ruled parts of China and the Korean peninsula from the 3rd century BC to the 7th century AD. What? No, he wasn't alive for a thousand years. That would just be stupid. I guess once he died his son took over running the kingdom or something.
Although, according to lore, unicorns can only be tamed by virgins. So who knows what was up. I guess lore can go fuck itself when you were born out of an egg your mum was impregnated with by sunlight.
TURKEY IS SCARED THAT THE SYRIAN REGIME WILL START FIRING MISSILES
They reckon the Free Syrian Army could be in for a tough time
Some Patriot missiles launchers, giving you a hard on in the sunset
Turkey has asked that Nato set up Patriot missile bases within its borders after receiving intelligence reports that the Syrian government might start firing missiles and chemical warheads.
The intelligence suggests that Syrian president Bashar al-Assad is contemplating using them against the anti-regime Free Syrian Army.
They are worried that the missiles will miss their targets and land inside Turkey.
"First they sent the infantry in against the rebels and they lost a lot of men, and many changed sides," explained a senior Turkish official.
"Then they sent in the tanks… so now it's air power. If that fails it will be missiles, perhaps with chemical warheads."
Looks like Syria's gonna maintain its 100 percent attendance record in World Peace Update this Wednesday.
CRAZY BATH SALTS TECH FUGITIVE JOHN MCAFEE MAY HAVE BEEN CAUGHT
Or he might just be saying that so people stop looking for him
McAfee interviewed on CNN from an unknown location on Friday
John McAfee – the guy who invented the antivirus software years ago before settling into a life of bath salts and endless libido, and then going on the run from police after maybe shooting his neighbour in the head – claims to have been caught.
The source is a blog that he himself set up after going fugitive though, so y'know, he could just be trying to trick everyone hunting for him in Belize and Mexico into being less vigilant.
A post at whoismcafee.com relayed that it had received an "unconfirmed report" that he had been detained by security officials somewhere in Central America.
But this came as a surprise to Belize police, who said on Sunday: "I do not know where he is supposed to have been captured, but he certainly isn't here at San Pedro police station."
The US embassy are also saying that people close to McAfee have denied that he's been captured.
If you want to know the whole backstory to this case, read VICE's Gavin Haynes' dazzling article on McAfee here.
All you really need to know is that this one's likely to run for a while, as it's not every day police catch a man who is willing to spend days buried in sand with a box over his head in order to evade them.
DO YOU HAVE ASPERGER'S SYNDROME? NO YOU DON'T
At least that's what this important psychologist's handbook will say soon
Famous Asperger's sufferer Craig Nicholls
Asperger's Syndrome's future is in doubt after the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a handbook that the world's psychologists place a lot of faith in, decided to banish the condition from its pages and "merge" it with plain old autism.
The umbrella diagnosis "autism spectrum disorder" will instead be used to refer to children with severe autism, who don't talk or interact very much.
It's one of a set of edits and revisions that are the first to be made to the DSM for almost 20 years.
I saw in an advert on the Tube the other day that they're turning that book The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time into a play soon, so god knows how this will affect that.
SOME RUSSIANS SPENT TWO DAYS IN A TRAFFIC JAM
I guess they don't get snow that often in Russia
The Russian propaganda machine must have frozen to inoperability, because media sources there are happily reporting that thousands of lorries and cars have been stuck in a traffic jam for two whole days.
The gridlock, caused by heavy snow, has shut down motorways north-west of Moscow.
Police in the Tver region are saying travellers are being fed by mobile "field kitchens", although drivers are apparently complaining that the food isn't reaching them and nor is the fuel they need to keep their engines running and thus their heating on in subzero temperatures.
Maybe it's life experiences like these that lend Russians the mental strength to climb massive things all the time without suffering full mental collapse.