World Cup Of Evil: The Final (And The End Of Football)

It's taken a while, but as of this weekend, football will be dead.

North Korea 3-0 Italy

It’s East vs. West in our Machiavellian showdown but while the Italians wrote the book on evil, they’re no longer the masters. The grand, Satanic corruption of the Catholic Church is on the wane now that believers realise that, hey, having my son being routinely fucked by his Priest might not actually guarantee a place in heaven. On top of that, Silvio Berlusconi is too much of a pantomime villain to be taken seriously as a force for evil anymore. Here he is air humping a policewoman, here is calling Obama tanned and here he is shunning Angel Merkel in favour of a waterside phone chat. He’s also said that he doesn’t want any immigrants coming into Italy, although he’d “make an exception for beautiful girls”. Basically, Berlusconi is too obsessed with his cock to be the Lord of all Evil.

Kim Jong-Il on the other hand, is dying, and no-one is more evil than a wizened, cornered old dude with a head like a turnip, a million soldiers at his disposal and nothing to lose. A man who hates short people (excluding himself), he has had the shortest North Koreans taken to uninhabited islands in order to purge their genes from the mighty Korean race. He insists that his rice is totally uniform in size and shape and he conned a giant rabbit breeder into providing him with massive rabbits that ended up on his table (when they were meant for the people, the starving people). A dried up old prune of a man eating massive bunnies in a palace before killing his chef for giving him unsymmetrical rice. That's pretty fucking evil.

In the end, the World Cup of Evil draw favoured Italy, and North Korea may well have been more troubled by the U.S. This evil final has echoes of the real final of 1998 in which Brazil’s later-to-be-fat-but-at-that-point-amazing striker Ronaldo collapsed hours before the game but was then made to play for dark, possibly sponsorship related reasons. The Italians have run out of steam here, so the commies go home with the prize.

But then again, who else did you expect to win it? North Korea are so evil, they’ve even got a tie-in deal with us which guarantees them this victory. One which they richly deserve. So let’s all raise our glasses of Hennessy to the mighty nation of North Korea, so evil they paid for this victory. The Mercs are on us.