What To Do After A Break-Up Besides Doom Posting On Social Media

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

Social media is a dangerous thing after a break-up. Your entire world has changed, but life keeps moving on – and despite this cataclysmic event, the ever-looming draw to the online world persists. 

There are a few not-so-great things we can end up doing online when we’re heartbroken: 

• Push against the positive vibes of social media, and post exclusively about your break-up, letting everyone know how unhappy you are. 
• Share private feelings and information about the relationship, maybe hoping to give your ex a bad name.
• Post in defiance of the break-up. Nights out, fresh dates, picking up new hobbies. You try to post through the pain, hoping to convince yourself that you’re happier without them. Maybe you are. 

But is any of this really helping? Here’s what we recommend you don’t do to avoid creating a regrettable online-footprint, and what you can do to help ease your heartbreak a little.  

Take a break from constant content 

This is a given. If you’re finding yourself deeply affected by social media and find yourself reacting strongly to posts online, be it a relationship meme, or a TikTok about a break-up (the algorithm hears and sees all), it might be wise to take a break from it all. 

Delete those apps from your phone, block your ex, take comfort in hobbies, sit with the feelings and navigate your way through them. 

The temptation to go on your phone and stare at your ex’s social media to see if they’re hurting as much as you, or if they’re seeing anyone else, or who they’re hanging out with, can be overwhelming. But all this does is prolong the pain of the break-up, and keep it at the forefront of our minds – hich is the opposite of healing from the relationship. 

Don’t post to make yourself “feel better”

If you are online after a break-up, try your best not to post about it. We know it sounds tough, especially if you tend to share a lot of your life online with friends. 

Isle McElroy wrote about this behaviour in The Atlantic, coining the term “Thrive posting” i.e. the post-breakup tendency to use social media as a tool for external validation and to create a cohesive narrative not only for your friends and family, but also yourself. 

Thrive posting can be photos of yourself, a freshly single person, enjoying life and doing activities, sharing positive lifestyle habits or passive-aggressive quoteposting. While we might feel like we’re simply celebrating ourselves, thrive posting is often done for validation from others. Sometimes even  to get a rise out of an ex.

When talking with psychologist Ebony Butler, they said that often clients tend to feel immense shame or regret after “thrive posting”, especially if the post doesn’t perform as well as intended, or succeed in getting a reaction from an ex. 

Butler and many other psychologists agree that to find closure from a relationship, it has to come from you and your own journey and “thrive posting”can derail that process.

Lean on your friends irl

It’s natural for us to withdraw and hide away from everyone after a break-up. If that’s what you need to do, that’s valid. 

But, getting away form your phone or laptop and seeing people in person is one of the best ways to break the bubble of sadness we can find ourself in dyring a break-up. 

If there’s ever a time to lean on your friends, it’s now. Arrange that midnight drive to your nearest 24/7 take-out hub, cry in their car for hours, watch every rubbish movie you loved as a akid and vent about the issues in the relationship. That’s what friendship is for. 

If they’re friends you lost touch with during the relationship, it’s worth reaching out to them again toslowly rebuild that friendship – Although it’s important to understand that you won’t always be able to get them back into your life again.. 

Find a support group

Sometimes your friends might not be best equipped to handle a delicate situation like a break-up. If you’re going through a messy break-up, you may need an outlet to safely navigate complicated feelings about your ex relationship with people who can sympathise with you. 

If you’re still using social media, it can be beneficial to find online forums and groups to (anonymously) share your feelings about your break-up. Doing this separate from people you know means you get to share as freely as you want without any crossfire. It also introduces you to a bunch of new folks that can become great friends and emotional support in the future. 

See a professional

Look, I get it. The last thing you want to do after a break-up is pick yourself up out of bed, schedule an appointment with a therapist and then agonisingly wait until that appointment. 

Break-ups are intense emotional experiences that can leave us with various insecurities and anxieties (and in the worst case, trauma) and sometimes only a professional has the capability to help us navigate that. 

Friends and family have their struggles and biases, and these can limit their support and emotional bandwidth in helping you through your break-up. A professional will give you a space to say anything you want without worrying about consequences and judgement. 

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