Should You Ever Date Someone You Work With?

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

Considering we spend an average of forty hours a week in the office, it’s no surprise that relationships sometimes progress beyond just being colleagues.

Workplace romances are actually fairly common, despite being frowned upon by most companies. According to a survey by Seek NZ, one in five New Zealanders have embarked on a romantic relationship with a coworker – and with office sirens in their prime it’s almost reaching aspirational status.

We’re all doing it (well, a fifth of us, anyway) – but does that ever make it a good idea? 

What to weigh up

Kassandra Mourikis is a sexologist and relationship counsellor who’s seen both the pros and cons of the office romance. For Mourikis, one of the most important things to consider before heading down the collegial coitus path, is the potential power imbalances. 

“A major risk of dating [colleagues] is related to workplace hierarchies that create power [differences],” Mouikis told VICE NZ. 

“These power imbalances intersect with consent practice, choice and agency, safety, employment security and so forth. Power imbalances need to be talked about to mitigate some of these risks. Though a power imbalance might be the force that creates difficulty in bringing up these issues in the first place...”

Another common risk of dating your colleagues is the separation (or lack of it) between work and pleasure. 

“[This] might lead to conflicts of interest, or something happening in the work relationship that has a negative impact on the romantic or sexual relationship.”

To mitigate these issues, Mouikis recommends setting up boundaries in the relationship. To help both the couple and their other workmates. 

This may look like not engaging in physical affection (I mean, who wants to see PDA in the storage closet?), and setting a boundary on how much your fellow colleagues know about your dating and sex life. 

Do you need to tell HR? 

Considering you’ve formed a relationship on company time, do you need to tell your boss or HR about your love life? 

According to Mourikis, it depends on where you work and what your organisation policies are regarding relationship disclosures, and workplace relationship requirements or restrictions. 

“This is a really important thing to know before you consider dating someone in your workplace, especially if your workplace enforces a policy around not having relationships with your colleagues.”

Whether your workplace forbids office romance or not, Mourikis believes that the stigma surrounding them is outdated. 

“Workplace relationships do happen and will continue to happen.”

“Shaming people for them won’t stop them from happening, it’ll just exacerbate the risks, strengthen power dynamics and increase levels of secrecy, making these much harder to navigate safely and respectfully. We’re slowly challenging professionalism but change is a process that takes collective action and it's a big part of what shapes our attitudes around office romances.”

What if you break-up? 

Just like in relationships outside of work, not all of them last. And when you still have to be in the same space as them five days a week, for eight hours a day, it can get messy. 

This was the case for Maia who dated a colleague on and off for close to a year. After the new guy was allocated a seat next to Maia, the pair became friends quickly.  

“He wasn’t my type at all initially, personality-wise, but he was the only attractive guy in the office. After a few months we developed crushes and we eventually hooked up after a work event, (Lord forgive my torrid soul). We were both super driven with work and so I really deluded myself into thinking it was a power pairing, but it was such a bad match and we had nothing in common except for work.” 

While Maia didn’t blatantly tell any colleagues, she says that “everyone speaks” so it wasn’t exactly a secret. The couple put boundaries in place to manage the growing relationship. This ended up helping them both when things ended. 

“We didn’t really talk in the office when we were dating which made things easier,” 

“He’s quite immature and refused to be cordial with me, which initially stressed me out because I really wanted to just go back to being friends. That was until I found out that he had deceived me in inconceivable ways. I just pretend he doesn’t exist now,” says Maia. 

“It’s hard when you find out they’re a terrible person and you have to be around them, and see others choosing to be around them, in your place of work. That really sucks.” 

Mourikis recommends talking about this potential scenario early into your relationship with a colleague. 

“Breaking up is a very real possibility and collaborating and having a plan that feels supportive for everyone involved can reduce some of the pain and uncertainty associated with break-ups. Ultimately, treating each other with respect, care, curiosity and upholding your and their boundaries is important.” 

When can dating a colleague go right? 

Despite the stigma, some workplace couples do go the distance. Ruby met her now husband at her hospitality job. They’ve been together for seven and a half years and just welcomed a baby into the world. 

“We were friends before we started dating so it was a bit nerve-wracking to take that leap, says Ruby. “We didn’t actively keep it a secret but not everyone knew. There were lots of couples and hook ups at work and it was all a bit gossipy (big group of twenty-somethings). 

Ruby notes that they didn’t “actively announce it” and their colleagues found out naturally. 

“Everyone realised when they saw us making out on a night out after work.” 

“The managers would sometimes be funny about rostering couples on shift together, and being rostered on opposite shifts would get annoying because we would see each other less than before we were dating! 

“Other than that, it was really fun dating at work. It was a social place and lots of the couples who met there are still together five plus years later.”

Mourikis notes that it’s no surprise couples stay together after meeting at work. 

“Working in the same industry might mean you share similar interests and values and sometimes developing a stronger connection through dating has the potential to create a stronger, more supportive working relationship. For others, dating someone in the office can make work a much more enjoyable and exciting place to be.” 

Ultimately, it’s up to the couple on how they choose to develop their relationship from colleagues to lovers. Just keep it respectful and try to avoid mixing business with pleasure. No one likes a messy workplace.   

For Maia, while her own relationship didn’t work out, the experience has given her a valuable perspective on office romances.

“What I would say is be very careful that you’re not getting caught up in ‘power couple’ delusions, and ask yourself, are they actually an attractive person? Inside and out? Or are they just the most attractive person in the space you frequent five days a week?”