Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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Trying to avoid a worst-case scenario (by considering the concept of not dying) isn’t “overreacting.” You don’t need a “good” reason (like being immunocompromised or uninsured) to be scared of COVID-19, or to be “allowed” to tell your housemate, "No, your friend who went to a warehouse party last night cannot work from our apartment today because they are ‘lonely.’ Also, wash your hands after you go pee, what the hell!!!!"Everyone has good reason to worry and to change their lifestyle in the name of public and personal health, and you are absolutely allowed to say something to a person you live with who's downplaying or ignoring that. Even if you were perceived as overreacting—well, fine! If your roommate thinks less of you because you set a firm boundary, that’s a Them Problem, and one that you can handle. (On the other hand, the consequences of not saying anything could be exhausting, terrifying, expensive, and possibly deadly—so, fairly difficult to handle.)If you’re living with someone who refuses to take the expert recommendations for “flattening the curve” seriously and you don’t know what to do, here are some tips to consider.If you haven’t specifically hashed out health and safety preparations/expectations with your housemate(s), now is the time. Like, tonight. Copy and paste this text to them: “Hey, are you free tonight? I’d like to sit down and talk through the latest coronavirus news and get on the same page about what we should be doing at home about it.”Before you meet, familiarize yourself with what doctors are saying, read up on the importance of staying home, know how bad ‘mild’ symptoms can be, and take a minute to read the new research that indicates that people without symptoms might be causing a substantial number of new infections. You should go into the conversation fully prepared to explain the logic behind what you’re asking them to do.
Have a house meeting about expectations and plans for the coming weeks.
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When you're done researching, figure out exactly how your house rules about hygiene need to change right now. Does your housemate need to start washing their hands more? Start regularly sanitizing surfaces? Cancel a game night they planned for this weekend? (The CDC has some suggestions and a checklist that might be helpful.)The reasoning among COVID-19 skeptics varies from person to person, although it's all ill-conceived. If this is your roommate, ask what their thinking is: Is the fact that they’re young and healthy making them believe they’ll only get a “mild” infection? Are they just not following the news? Do they keep insisting this coronavirus is no worse than the flu? Are they insistent that they need to go to the gym every morning for the sake of their mental health? Are they “too busy” to clean the apartment? Figuring this out will help you talk to them from a place of empathy, and allow you to tailor your argument accordingly.But remember that this person is being unreasonable, so you might not actually be able to reason with them. If you can’t get through to them, accept that—it’s time to figure out how you can be pragmatic and protect yourself, regardless of what reality they are living in.In normal circumstances where you were worried about catching something, you’d likely try to avoid sharing germs. How you need to clean right now follows a lot of the same logic. Doing this probably means you’re going to have to clean/disinfect some of your housemate’s stuff instead of expecting them to do it themselves. Is this fair? No. Does it matter? Not right now. (It might matter when it’s time to renew your lease, though!)There’s no need to follow your housemate around with a bottle of Lysol—the CDC recommends waiting “as long as practical” after a sick person has used a shared space before cleaning it. Just make sure you do it before you use the space.
If your housemate is resistant to changing their behavior or taking precautions, make a good faith effort to understand why.
If you can’t change their mind, proceed as though someone in your shared living space is sick with a cold or the flu.
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In terms of COVID-19 specifically, the CDC has guidelines for cleaning that you should bookmark. A few highlights:
- If you have disposable gloves, put them on before you clean. (If not, wash your hands thoroughly before and after, and try to avoid getting cleaning products on your skin.) Use a household cleaner to remove dirt, crumbs, etc. on the surfaces, then use a disinfectant (like a bleach solution) to kill the germs. (The CDC has a lot more info on what qualifies as a “disinfectant.”) Hit all the high-touch surfaces in common areas—doorknobs; light switches; sink fixtures; and the handles of your microwave, fridge, dishwasher, and oven. Ideally, you’d do this after each use; since your housemate isn’t doing this (or is doing it extremely rarely), go ahead and do it at that ‘ideally’ rate, even if it’s annoying.
- Open the window(s) in common areas as often as you can; this will help keep fresh air circulating (and give you a break from the bleach fumes).
- Make sure all trash cans—including the small one in the bathroom—have a liner/trash bag in them.
- Stop sharing personal household items immediately. That includes dishes, drinkware, eating utensils, towels, and bedding. Do a small load of dishes—if you have a dishwasher, run it on the "sanitize" setting; if you're doing them by hand, wear gloves—and then move a few plates, bowls, forks, etc. to a clean spot in your room and use those exclusively.
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Stay in your room.
Put your foot down about visitors.
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Don’t hesitate to take a strong stance if they are palpably not well.
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Because, look: Maybe they don’t have health insurance, or are terrified of the reality of the situation, or don’t want to admit they got sick after days of insisting they weren’t going to get sick. The only way to find out is to ask directly, and insist they engage with you.What you shouldn’t do is continue to operate from a place of prioritizing your housemate’s comfort over your own. Your comfort, health, and safety—and the public’s—are non-negotiable right now. It’s OK to have a strong reaction, to not just keep the peace. Tests remain extremely limited, hospitals are totally unprepared for an influx of patients, and the nation’s leading authority on infectious diseases has told Congress, “Things will get worse.”It's time to stop pretending that proceeding germily through life without taking any precautions—or being egregiously apathetic—is totally cool and fine. Things aren't totally cool and fine. They will be even less totally cool and fine if those close to you continue to act put-upon by the idea that they should care for others, including you.Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.Rachel Miller is the author of The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People, coming May 2020. Follow her on Twitter.