My friend Thelonious was consulted in the formulation of this alphabet. He lives in Oakland, CA and he is a true G.
A – Ay, shut the fuck up.
B – Where’s my money, B?
C – C, I told U.
D – 1. Dag: A matted tuft of sheep's wool. 2. Suck a D.
E – The B is on E.
F – 1. F the B. The B stole my wool. 2. Freon – I heard the guy injected Freon into his left nut and died. Then his B tried to sell one of his molar teeth on eBay saying it was Usher’s. She also keyed my car.
G – 1. He was a real solid G. 2. Gat. 3. Gag.
H – 1. Hegumene: head of a nunnery 2. Hell yeah. 3. I’d hit that. 4. Holographic: your boner is real, but tha blowjob is holographic.
I – 1. I could go for an ice-cold St. Ides malt-liquor beverage. 2. Icarus.
J – U shoulda seen this dude, he sparked a J, right in front of the judge. And u could tell, the judge wanted to hit it.
K – 1. The dude had on khakis. 2. Kale 3. I don’t even know what kale is.
L – 1. A marijuana joint, created with two papers that before rolled, form an L shape. Despite popular belief, it's not technically a blunt. 2. I’d do Liv Tyler and Lisa Bonet. 3. This L is gonna be the size of a baseball bat. 4. The dude in front of the judge rolled his L in kale. And you could tell, even though it was kale, the judge still wanted to hit it.
M – 1. Mahogany. 2. Miley Cyrus: I’d tap that too.
N – 1. Nanism: the condition of being dwarfed or being a dwarf. 2. Nanization: artificial dwarfing. 3. Naugahyde.
O – O shit, the judge is a dwarf.
P – 1. Pectoral. 2. The pterodactyl in Jurassic Park 3 looks real as hell. 3. The dude went to get his palm read by a palm reader and ended up getting a blowjob.
Q – 1. When the dwarf judge talks it sounds like she’s quacking. 2. Quagga: extinct African wild ass like a zebra.
R – 1. Rotund. 2. That ass was real rotund and we ain’t talking about a zebra.
S – 1. We’re talking about an ass the size of a stadium. 2. Strobe-light pussy.
T – 1. Tabanid: bloodsucking insect; gadfly. 2. Her brother sings in the tabernacle.
U – 1. C, I told U. 2. Her hair had pieces of urinal cake in it. 3. I upchucked.
V – 1. The librarian was very big, like she’s on the offensive line big. 2. Vapulate: to flog; to be flogged. 3. The librarian woke up in the middle of the night and was like sleepwalking or some shit, and she vapulated all over his ass. She kicked his motherfucking ass in her sleep. Haaaahaaa.
W – Weezy.
X – 1. Malcolm. 2. Xylophone. 3. The librarian had teeth like a xylophone.
Y – 1. Fuck a yurt. 2. Crabs in red Vajayjay nation, like Yugoslavia that country or nation or whatever, but only this one’s Vajayjay nation. Wait, is Yugoslavia still there or did they change that shit? All I’m tryin to say is Y for Yugoslavia. And she had lots of crabs. I also hate yurts.
Z – Zap hippie bitches with your dick when you’re in their yurt and turn them into ice cream cones with sprinkles.
(A True G Cover Art by Mike Force.)