An Ode to the Fat Friend

Photo by Jamie Warren

"To be honest, Kassandra doesn't give a shit about sports or if you know Vincent Gallo," says the fat friend discreetly. "If you want to get her attention just be the fun guy and invite her out to parties and stuff." I love you, fat friend. After abandoning all hope of getting laid yourself, you have selflessly devoted your life to hooking up eligible dudes with your hot friend. You are tough but fair. If we aren't one of those date-raping jock assholes and you think we're going to be good to her, you are willing to give helpful advice and provide us with the best possible courtship. You are the benevolent middleman who prevents us from having to blindly jump into the fire and get burned. In fact, even when we get screened out and you explain frankly that there's no hope in hell Kassandra would ever go out with us, we thank you. It's like, "That sucks, but at least I didn't make a total ass of myself by trying." You saved our ego a terrible blow and that makes it possible for us to try again with another hot friend.

By the way, we've never figured out if you tell the hot friend that we were asking about her. If you do, we assume you do it so carefully that nothing is jeopardized. You probably allude to us liking her but without making us sound desperate. Once we're in your good books we get nothing but careful and honest representation. Unlike that horrible cunt, the not-fat friend. Fuck you, not-fat friend. All you care about is yourself and spreading as little love as possible. I'll never forget that part of MTV's Sorority Life when that girl Jordan is on the phone, considering going back with her old boyfriend, and the not-fat friend is shaking her head, holding a sign she just made with a marker that says, "You're stronger than that." You know why the not-fat friend did that? Because she hates love. She did it because she wants to hang out with her buddy more, and if Jordan goes back with the boyfriend, the not-fat friend won't see her as much. It happens all the time. A couple weeks into the breakup, the hot friend becomes accustomed to having "her" Jordan back, so she rents How Stella Got Her Groove Back and bang! the deal is sealed. The ex-boyfriend has been "friended" and he no longer has any hope of getting Jordan back. Next time you're at a party, steer clear of the not-fat friend and make sure you pour out some of your 40 for the fat friend. We'd be fucked without her.