And The Lying Shall Lie Down With The Lambie - By Clive Palmer

​When I first came up with the idea for the Palmer United Party, I had a singular vision: genetically modified dinosaurs serving me mimosas as sentient coal trucks danced the lambada for my amusement.

I quickly left the distractions of my living room and departed to a quieter part of my massive house to consider my idea more carefully. A political party of my very own! Free from the constraints of our entrenched two-party system. Liberal and Labor have always been slave to special interest groups like millionaires and mining magnates. As a millionaire mining magnate, I'd be immune from their influence. I'm told this is basically the plot of The Monster at the End of This Book. I don't have time to read it, but my staff is putting together a summary.

As head of the Palmer United Party, I'm not afraid to tell it like it is. And sometimes telling it like it is means leaving interviews part-way thr​ough if they're not talking about things I want to talk about.

Currently, the thing I don't want to talk about is Jacqui Lambie. She told me her ambition was to be a "rogue senator", but I thought that meant she was just going to wear a lot of red makeup.

But then she began disobeying my orders and voting against the PUP's interest, and I was forced to reconsider her position. We removed her as deputy Senate leader, fired her from the position of deputy whip, and totally deleted any reference to her from the website aside from a blog post where I outr​ight call her a liar. And today I was shocked to discover that she's quitting the party.

Look, I don't want to talk about it, all right? There are more important issues than Jacqui Lambie.

I'd rather talk about our mining sector, and how Australia is a key producer of iron ore. We're so prodigious in our output, I've seen some in the media claim that PUP's tagline "Unifying All Australians" is a huge source of irony.

I'd rather talk about our commitments to lowering electricity prices and stopping people smugglers. We were elected to govern, not to be held hostage to the whims of one lone Tasmanian senator. And look, I said I didn't want to talk about her, why do you keep bringing her up?

I don't have to take this. Goodbye. This article is over.

…

Hello. It's Jacqui here. Clive left his laptop open in the PUP Party Room and I saw it when I snuck in to collect some office supplies.

Yes, I have decided to resign from the Palmer United Party. Tasmanian voters elected me on a platform of acquiring national name recognition, and I have achieved this. Staying with a party that insists on wearing yellow all the time is only holding me back.

But I feel I must address some of the accusations levelled against me by Clive Palmer:

• Yes, I did fail to attend party meetings, but for entirely legitimate reasons. One time, the switch to daylight savings confused me. The next, I turned up to the wrong place, cos I thought Clive said we were meeting down the pub. Another time, my great uncle died and I tried to text Clive to tell him I'd be at the funeral, but wouldn't you know it, I ran out of credit, and I tried to stop at a servo on the way to the service to get some more credit even though that would make me late to Uncle Terry's funeral, but the servo was on fire and I had to wait until the fire department came so I could tell them what I'd seen, and then the fire trucks parked me in and so I had to catch a bus, but I got on the 260 instead of the 261 and ended up in the middle of nowhere, and went to get a taxi but I'd left my purse on the bus, so I tried to hitchhike, but I got picked up by a serial murderer like in Wolf Creek and taken to his remote farmhouse where he chained me up and threatened to kill me, but I was able to use my free foot to fashion a weapon from a piece of wood, and used it to kill the guy and then took his keys and unchained myself and borrowed his murder-ute to get back in time for the party meeting, but it had just finished. Another time my alarm didn't go off.
• Clive says he tried to call me 10 times, and I never answered. Which number was he using? He might have my old number.
• Clive says I'm "following the script" of my Chief of Staff, Rob Messenger. I say Clive is just trying to shoot the messenger! That's a pretty good pun.

It may seem strange that I'm quitting the party that helped elect me so soon into my term, but I'm merely following in the footsteps of our great leaders. Harold Holt, for instance, left the Liberal Party within two years of becoming Prime Minister.

I am in a much better position as an independent to vote for what I assume the people of Tasmania want. Without a party to hold me back, I will continue to fight for what I believe in: that defence force pay ​increases​ should be linked to that of politicians, that the Medicare co-payment ​must be stopped, that sh​aria law maybe possibly involves terrorism, that China could invade Au​stralia, that V​ladimir Putin has great values, and that the Greens have destroyed all hop​e in Tasmania.

Oh shit, he's coming back. Meet me in the op-ed of Australian Defence Veterans Party's Sandra Gallagher.

​Follow Lee on Twitter: ​@LeeZachariah