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So all those cries of " You just don't get meeee!" that you wailed during puberty weren't completely unfounded––your mom might not have. But that's probably because no one ever cared to "get" her, either. And likely, it wasn't just her parents who dismissed her, but her boyfriends, husbands, bosses, pastors, peers, and general society. Yup, our problems with our moms partially stem from a long history of sexism."If a mom is slightly disempowered or emotionally manipulative in some way, it's because she hasn't learned to say clearly and openly what she needs," Hasseldine tells VICE. "If a daughter doesn't understand why her mom is like this, we map out: What is emotionally missing in the family? How are women not being heard? How are their needs not being met? That's an inherited pattern, and often daughters react against the mom, blame the mom, and by understanding this underlying pattern and seeing the generational effect of it and why mom doesn't feel she can say what she needs, mothers and daughters can begin to repair their relationships." And not just with each other, she adds, but with their partners, friends, and others who are on the receiving end of their shitty, why-are-you-acting-like-your-mother behaviors, too.***My mom grew up Southern Baptist in Shreveport, Louisiana, in the 1950s, a time when schools were still segregated and ladies weren't allowed to wear pants. Sarah Jean was a woman who lived by a code of silent suffering and keeping up appearances. Which is probably why I am so forthright in what I say, what I write, and how I emote. But this is not just another rebellion against a quality I disliked about my mother––it is also about my recognizing how poorly that kind of silence worked for her and for us. Even though I can be upfront with any jerk who tries to wrong me, my mom and I had established a pattern with each other to never talk about how we never talked about things, like, for instance, pain, failure, sex, shame, or fear.Yup, our problems with our moms partially stem from a long history of sexism.
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