Since living the cliché of doughy, lonely preteen, I’ve felt a similarly clichéd aversion to sports. Sophomore year of college, I went to my first basketball game with a group of well-meaning friends. I think I ate nachos the entire time and said, “Does that mean it’s over?” whenever the audience cheered. Now I know the only reason for my boredom was my stubborn resistance to paying attention. This winter I started watching basketball with my boyfriend. I’ve discovered it’s actually really fun to pretend the world is a rectangle where ten giant men fight each other to move the most important object back and forth and through nets. When the other team has the ball it’s bad, because they can score points against you, but it’s good when your team has it, because then you can score points against the other guys. Whoever scores the most points wins. It’s good when your team wins. As captivating as this formula is, I’ve thought of some ways to make games more exciting.
All members of Team A and Team B, including coaches and referees, will be equipped with wireless microphone headsets and assigned a personal channel on a radio frequency. Under every seat in the arena will be a set of headphones and small radio receiving voice transmissions from the microphones. Game-goers can tune into any channel they want. Fans at home can buy a special digital box to enjoy the eavesdropping feature.
One game per season will be played under the influence of whatever legal or illegal substance a team wants, to whatever degree they want to be “on” it. The substance(s) must be kept private until the end of the game.
In the event of a tie, all members of Team A and Team B will be swapped out for their dads. If a dad is deceased or otherwise absent, his son may choose a surrogate dad. If no surrogate dads are available, the son must try to gain points for his team by complaining about his dad on the FanCam. If a son complains about anything other than his dad his team will be penalized.
Lightning Erection Round
In the last 20 seconds of a quarter, Team B has possession of the ball. If all on-court members of Team A can give themselves erections, or give one erection to a player on Team B, their team will receive a 10-point bonus.
Big Bear Position
A new player with a BMI over 40 will fill this sixth on-court position. Big Bear’s primary duty will be creating blocks and obstructions. Since they will naturally move slower than other players, it will also be their duty to live-tweet the game. Big Bears will additionally be in charge of choosing and distributing carbs to the opposing team for the Carb Penalty.
Normally when a player fouls six times, they aren’t allowed to play for the remainder of the game. Instead of sitting out, they will now receive a Carb Penalty. A Big Bear from the opposing team will select a 1,000 - 1,500 calorie carbohydrate-based food product for the penalized player to binge-eat. If the penalized player doesn’t vomit, his team will receive a 2-point bonus at the end of the quarter. If he doesn’t vomit for the entire game his team will receive a 4-point bonus.
Every Friday all members of the NBA will wear khakis and Hawaiian shirts.
A player or coach can be fouled for character flaws as well as unsportsmanlike conduct.
Character Fouls will be determined by the wives or girlfriends of the players, and will occur at seemingly arbitrary times. Team members without wives or girlfriends will be assigned a personal Zen master, who will spend as much off-court time with them as a wife or girlfriend would.
Super Ball Day
One game every season will be played with ten balls. All players must always be holding, passing, or shooting at least one ball.
Water Wonderland Day
One game per season will be played on a court made of waterbed material. The basketball will be exchanged for a regulation-sized water balloon. When a water-ball breaks, it will be replaced with a slightly larger one. By the fourth quarter, the water-ball will likely be so big that players will need to work as a team to roll it. All players will be equipped with Super Soaker guns on hip belts. These games will be filmed with slow-motion cameras.
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