Future Parts of the Human Body
Nov 3 2011
Hey Person Reading This,
My name is Megan. I’m 26. I’m pretty clumsy about saying “hi” and “bye” to people. Summaries are also not areas where I excel. I’m going to try to think of interesting things to write in this column every week. This column is going to be about stuff I like that I think other people might like too. It’s called “Boyle’s Brains” because my last name is “Boyle” and my brain is the thing that tells me what I like and what’s interesting. Here's what the process of writing this paragraph looked like:
This column is going to be about stuff I think, though I’m
With these things in mind:
It’s weird because I guess life isn’t jus t
My name is Megan, I’m 26,
I’m not sure if feeling awkward about making introductions and exits is
I’ll be thinking of the interesting stuff for you.
In college I always wrote the introductions and conclusion paragraphs last. It would be pretty cool if
FUTURE PARTS OF THE HUMAN BODY
My searches for exactly what I want to eat sometimes become feature movie-length. Most finish with me at a deli for the second time, re-inspecting six pints of ice cream, deciding I must’ve confused “hunger” with something else. Food Brain will make events like these obsolete by determining all food-related decisions. It will be located inside the tongue. Most people won’t even know it’s there due to its seamless communication with their other brain. People will speak about fiber with conviction. Food Brain will connect to the visual cortex, hypothalamus, and whatever it is that’s been making things happen in the universe since the Big Bang.
Bodies will have more storage options. Pockets will be considered normal skin accessories, like freckles. Their benefits seem limitless. People will call each other “Hot Pockets.” A pack of cigarettes concealed in an upper arm pocket gives a James Dean effect. Stow a small audio device in your pocket and secretly record your skin. Hide your bird. Add variety to your sex life. Great way to melt candy.
By blinking and thinking “Command+Shift+4,” Screenshot Vision will photograph your entire field of vision and store the image in an indexed section of your memory, which you can transfer onto any computer by looking into it and thinking “Load.” Will come with a version of Tetris you can play on the backs of your eyelids.
Good orgasms feel like one thousand Oprahs attacking me with a surprise party for every year until I die all at once. Mediocre orgasms feel like finally unsubscribing from the Amazon.com email list. Both orgasms are pretty much gone as soon as they arrive: good ones leave behind a nice afterglow or nap, mediocre ones leave behind actually unsubscribing from the Amazon.com email list. Orgasm Overdrive will be a dime-sized bundle of tissue on the roof of the mouth. It won’t improve the quality of already-good orgasms, though with practice it could prolong them. Its main function will be sensing the impending mediocre orgasm and rapidly accelerating its quality. A few moments before climax, the tissue will swell and if you touch it lightly you can go do something else in a few minutes.
Tails will be cool.
Fourth-Dimensional Time Sensing Limb
This new limb will protrude from the entire body in all directions. Resembles a long line of life-sized versions of you in every moment you have or will have experienced from your birth to death. Looks like it’s moving but it’s not. Disappears when you stop thinking about it. Will not fit in most closets. Pretty useful if you ever need to be someplace else. Provides material for “instant replay” party tricks.
When I was a kid I thought all buildings with more than two floors contained hidden swimming pools. I wasn’t supposed to know about the pools because it was an “adult thing.” The Indoor Pool in your body will be located in the inner ear, under the cochlea. It will just look like a pool. The pool will look different for everyone. You can swim in it normally.
Cartoon Body Waste
This includes anything that falls, heaves, flakes, drips, sheds, rips, bursts, tears, pushes, or is released from your body in any other way. It will appear 2D or 3D and animated, but not necessarily unrealistic. Sometimes it will be a drawing of what it looked like before it contacted your body. Sometimes it will be an anvil or piano. There might be some animated .gifs. Will depend on what you ate.
Force Quit Inner Monologue
Muscles and joints creak and sometimes air passes through me in socially unacceptable ways, but overall my body is pretty physically quiet. The noise my brain makes isn’t audible but I’ve been hearing it for a long time. When I lived alone it seemed easy to slip into these long, un-showered periods of listening to myself think and barely going outside. Inevitably I’d catch myself eating mustard with my hand or something and commence the life-reintegration process. Sitting and thinking “Force Quit” (and kind of holding it down because it takes a few seconds for it to start) could’ve easily happened in the earlier stages of a mental frozen screen, instead of going on a four day tour of your apartment ending with your hands in mustard.
Memory Foam Skull
The boy who sat behind me in high school geometry periodically scratched his head in violent outbursts. Sometimes he made strained noises. One time he said “My brain itches.” I’ve tried to itch my brain four times since I started writing this paragraph. The itchiness is a very real and unsettling sensation. My skull is protecting my brain from myself. In addition to being one of the body’s most important organs, brains are among the squishiest. This seems like a major architectural oversight. The rest of the body is hard stuff surrounded by soft stuff, why change at the top? Memory foam is maybe the most empathetic physical material. It immediately understands the mold of you and attends to your shifting weight. Brains want things to listen to them. For “Memory Foam Skull” to not be “Easily Killable Soft Head,” brains will need to be made of something harder and self-protecting, which will probably make them chill out and stop demanding impossible itching.
This Guy Has Been Trolling Neo-Nazis for Nearly a Decade
These Guys Made Up a Fake Case to Get on 'Judge Judy'
A Masturbation Lawsuit Is Rattling Christian Homeschoolers
VICE News: London's Holy Turf Wars
VICE Loves Magnum: Peter Marlow's Incredible Photos of Eerie Crises
What Did and Didn't Suck at Record Store Day 2014
The SS Doctor Who Converted to Islam and Escaped the Nazi Hunters
This Guy Is Trying to Collect Every Single Copy of the Movie 'Speed' on VHS
Bad Cop Blotter: Is Obama Finally About to Use His Pardon Powers to Set Prisoners Free?
Weediquette: T. Kid the Cannabis Cup Judge