Original photos by Nate Miller
Los Angeles kinda sucks. Ask anyone. It’s spread out, the people are weird, and also the devil lives here. Yes, the actual devil lives in Los Angeles. He has a duplex in Laurel Canyon and drives a Saab. His three kids are named Donald, Donna, and Rocketship.
In addition to the devil and his hell-spawn, Ryan Seacrest lives here. I think he’s tangentially related to Satan, but the blood test results are not in yet. Seacrest was the victim of a hot, new Los Angeles trend known as swatting. Due to the inescapable fact that Los Angeles is totally fucking boring, people here actually take the time to prank call various emergency-services agencies and trick them into responding to imaginary incidents at celebrity estates. Often times, SWAT teams will be called to the scene, hence the term swatting.
Swatting victims include Justin Bieber, Ashton Kutcher (who failed to see the irony in getting Punk'd), Charlie Sheen (who does not know how to spell the word irony), and Simon Cowell, who dealt with a false report that someone had been tied up in his home. Somehow, I doubt the report was actually false, since my only theory for why X-Factor is still on the air is that Simon Cowell is holding all the Fox executives hostage.
In the interest of honesty, let me say that I’m far more interested in the version of swatting where I get to slap Ryan Seacrest in the face, but I suppose we can’t all get what we want, can we? I’m not the Angelino who starts the trends. I just follow them. I went out to document all the hot new trends in La La Land and report back on them before they become passé in the next six hours.
Shove a famous person down your pants and sneak them through airport security. It’s even harder than it sounds, but it’s extra rewarding when you land in St. Louis with Jaden Smith in your cargo shorts.
The above gentleman is either cosplaying as a character from Sons of Anarchy, or he is just covering up a huge bald spot. Either way, dressing up is a big trending topic in Hollywood these days. This guy wants to escape his dull existence and pretend to be “hillbilly Michael Chiklis from The Shield.” My celebrity cosplay dream is dressing up like Shaquille O’Neal’s seventh illegitimate child, Rufus. If you actually just want to be yourself, chances are you shouldn’t be living in LA.
There was a time when this dude lived life to the fullest. He was constantly doing coke and gambling his rent money away. He probably even made a stripper have an unwanted abortion because he wasn’t ready to settle down. Now that he has a job, a wife, and a series of semi-unattractive children, he can’t help but stop at the nearest bar and/or opium den to remind himself that life can be great. This is a picture of a 50-year-old man looking to score speed and strangle something.
Maybe you’ve been aimlessly searching for someone, anyone who can shadow you, follow your lead, and cheerlead for your particular look. You’re not going to meet that person sitting on your ass, watching Fashion Star. “Are you dark, mysterious, and have pale skin?” “Yeah, what about you?” “Well… duh.” They don’t need to copy you exactly. They just need to get the essence of your personal brand in order to be a competent acolyte. In Los Angeles, it’s important to have an entourage, like in that documentary series called Entourage.
ACCEPTING YOU WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL
One of the coolest trends in Los Angeles is to be the most unsuccessful person in your circle of friends. The guy seems melancholy from the picture, but what you don't know is that he's looking at the trash can where he stores all of his dreams. You’re probably already depressed as it is, since you live in a city that rewards ignorance and capricious youth, rather than wisdom, age, and character. In order to stand out from your other loser friends, it’s best to be as sad as possible. This dude is obviously the leader of the pack.
Famous people get bored too, and there’s only one thing famous people can’t do that pretty much everyone else in the world gets to experience at least once. Naturally, that’s being poor. They just want to live like the common people do. Celebrities really love pretending to be homeless because it's virtually impossible to pull a swatting prank on a famous person living in a gutter. Chances are, the SWAT team is already there!
For more harrowing tales of Los Angeles ennui from Dave Schilling: