Colorado's Governor Needs a Lesson in Cannabis Customer Service

John Hickenlooper, Colorado's governor, at the World Economic Forum in Davos in 2012. Photo via Wikimedia Commons 

Before entering politics, Governor John Hickenlooper of Colorado amassed a small fortune by getting his most loyal customers seriously fucked up. Something he should probably keep in mind now.

While I'm sure most of the craft-beer enthusiasts that once frequented his pioneering brew pub in Denver imbibed responsibly, surely some significant percentage must have hoisted a few too many and wound up diseased, violently ill, or just plain violent, among other adverse side-effects of alcohol.

No wonder Mason Tvert—co-director of Colorado's successful campaign to legalize marijuana—took to calling Hickenlooper a “drug dealer," as a way to point out the nagging hypocrisy of Hickenlooper's staunch support of pot prohibition despite having personally profited off a potentially more dangerous, if socially acceptable, substance.

“The voters have spoken, and we have to respect their will,” the governor at last acknowledged in November 2012, after Coloradans legalized it by a wide margin. “This will be a complicated process, but we intend to follow through. That said, federal law still says marijuana is an illegal drug, so don’t break out the Cheetos or Gold Fish too quickly.”

Har-de-fucking-har.

Forgive me, but after a couple decades spent watching people I know get surveilled by the government, raided by armed agents, arrested, jailed, intimidated, impoverished, separated from their families, denied life-saving medicine, and made to live their lives in fear—all for growing or providing an incredibly safe, beneficial plant—I didn't really appreciate one last lame-ass joke at my expense. Still, of all the stereotypes used to denigrate cannabis users, getting the munchies does at least have the rare virtue of being both fairly benign and rooted in actual science.

So by the time the governor got around to playfully posing with a bag of Cheetos and some Gold Fish, all felt forgiven. Particularly since he has indeed made good on his promise to create a workable system for the cultivation, distribution, and retail sale of marijuana to adults (unlike Washington State, where legalization implementation has reportedly been completely screwed up).

In fact, Hickenlooper's system produces tax revenue so efficiently that he's sitting on a pile of money. This week, Colorado's Department of Revenue released official numbers showing licensed marijuana vendors sold $14 million worth of recreational pot in January, the first month of legal sales. And according to the governor's latest budget forecast, the state will take in a whopping $134 million in total marijuana taxes and fees in the next fiscal year. The first $40 million of that weed windfall must go toward school construction, but that still leaves a $94 million surplus.

Unsurprisingly, everybody's got their hand out, including all the assholes who used to make a mint off oppressing pot smokers and now want to cash in on the backend as well. The first among these are, of course, the fucking cops, who actually want more money to enforce laws that no longer exist.

"Many of our local law-enforcement agencies have diverted staff from other operations into marijuana enforcement, leaving gaps in other service areas as a direct result of marijuana legalization," the Colorado Association of Chiefs of Police wrote in a somewhat Orwellian letter to the governor.

Meanwhile, Hickenlooper's proposed budget calls for dropping $85 million over the next 18 months on substance-abuse treatment and prevention programs. This sounds OK in theory, but in practice it will mean a huge diversion of taxpayer money into the pockets of America's incredibly shady $34-billion-a-year addiction-recovery industry, which, for nakedly self-serving reasons, continues to push for pot prohibition by spreading shameless lies about marijuana.

After all, they need customers. And according to the federal government's own research data, fewer than 20 percent of marijuana users in rehab end up there voluntarily. The majority are coerced, typically by the criminal justice system. Perhaps that's because marijuana's not really addictive when compared to other drugs, at least according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, which once produced a chart titled “Comparing Dangers of Popular Drugs” that ranked cannabis as safer than caffeine in terms of dependence, withdrawal, and tolerance.

“It's not marijuana use per se that's driving these treatment admission rates; it's marijuana prohibition," according to Paul Armentano, deputy director of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. “These people are not 'addicts' in any true sense of the word. Rather, they're ordinary Americans who've experienced the misfortune of being busted for marijuana and are forced to choose between rehab or jail."

Reefer Mad Men

The governor's budget also proposes $5.8 million over three years for a “statewide media campaign on marijuana use,” including $1.9 million on advertisements to discourage driving while high. Again, in theory, sounds good. But instead of a clear explanation of Colorado's new 5-nanogram active THC limit, or a reality-based public education campaign on the confusing science of stoned driving, or a rule or thumb for how long law-abiding marijuana users must wait before getting behind the wheel, the state's herb smokers (and herb-smoking tourists) get a stinging slap in the face, paid for by an exorbitant tax on weed:

Again: har-de-fucking-har.

Meanwhile, more than two months after Colorado's pot stores officially opened for business, there's still no place in the state to legally light up, except for private property and the rare weed-friendly hotel. Sure, a few BYOC (bring your own cannabis) “coffeeshops” operate in the shadows, and activists in the small mountain town of Nederland just announced local approval to open a tiny, smoke-friendly private club, but otherwise, John Hickenlooper's idea of cannabis customer service involves selling really expensive legal pot to tourists, raking in their tax dollars, putting ads on television making fun of them, funneling huge sums to companies trying to force them into rehab, and then leaving them out in the cold with no place to blaze.

Look, Governor, it's not like we expect a 4/20 parade through the streets of Denver—or for you to attend the city's annual Cannabis Cup and sample the offerings, the way you do at the Great American Beer Festival every year. It's just, after everything weed smokers have been through, it sure would be nice to think of all our tax money going to something a little more worthwhile. Like perhaps researching the amazing medical potential of this plant. Or just, you know, feeding the many children who go to bed hungry in your state every night.