Corporate Shilling - The Evolution of the Beard
Jan 4 2012
There is nothing like a little Darwinian natural selection to weed out the weak and the worthless—it’s the reason why you have a hard time finding a white girl with a flat butt these days. The theory of evolution must apply to other things too... like beards. We got to thinking that it would be nice to know what the highly evolved beards of the future will look like, so we hit the streets of Williamsburg to ask some hairy-faced friends what they thought.
VICE: How long have you been growing your beard?
Mike: I’ve had it for eight years. Nine years on and off.
What’s the next level of beards for dudes?
They’ll probably grow them as long as they can. Probably down to their stomachs.
Are trying to get ahead of the curve? How long will you grow your beard?
Not too long. I still want people to see my face a little bit.
How long have you been growing your beard?
John: About a week now. It's not very long. It just comes on its own.
How will beards evolve a few decades from now?
I don’t know that they will change 20 or 30 years from now. I think beards go in and out depending on their utility. I’m freezing right now, which is why I have a beard.
Have you seen any highly evolved beards?
Yeah some people take it to another level. I’ve got a friend who’s got a huge cultivated "V." It’s rad and pretty rock n’ roll.
You don't have a beard, but since you're a barber you must be an expert on the evolutionary factors of facial hair. How long have you been cutting men's short and curlies?
John: Seven years.
Have you seen beards evolve over that time?
Oh, yeah. People grow it out scruffier and longer now—at least in Brooklyn.
Is the new beard harder to cut than the old beard?
No, it’s easier. Less to maintain.
What do think the beards will look like in the future?
You never know in this town. It could go anywhere. It could get barbaric and savage.
What about in like 50 years?
Just step outside and look on Bedford Avenue. Somebody out there is probably already rocking the "future beard."
How long have you been growing your beard?
Joe: Maybe less than two weeks.
What made you want to start growing it?
I’m lazy. I normally rock a Van Dyke. But I shaved it recently.
How do you see the beard evolving?
I actually think it is going to get wilder.
Everyone's beards are going to get crazier because once people on the street have them, than movie stars start having them, and eventually everyone else will have them too.
Trickle down... Deep.
I've got a picture of my Van Dyke on my phone. Do you want to see it?
Oh, yeah. I’ll take a picture of your picture.
Joe's Van Dyke beard
When’s the last time you shaved?
Adam: About a week and a half ago
What’s the reason?
Are you planning on taking it all the way?
Well, I tried to grow a beard once. But I couldn’t get my moustache to connect. I just got a lot of hair on my neck. It always gets to a point where it stops looking good and just looks shabby.
Where do you think beards are going to be in the future?
They are just going to get bigger and bigger. People are going to get lazier and lazier. And moustaches are going to get longer and longer.
What will the highly evolved future beard look like?
The evolution of man from to ape is reversing. It’s regression. We are going back in time.
Is that a good thing?
No, I think we are in a time of transition. I’m not a fan of the well-manicured beard. I like a bit of laziness and grisliness in a beard.
What a mighty beard you have. How long have you been growing that thing?
Dimitri: This one for like two years. I’m a Greek, so I'm hairy.
What do think the future holds for beards?
I think people are going to realize that if they have a beard, they should grow it. They can still be the same dude and still rock the same style.
Why’s it good to grow a beard?
It’s important for people be themselves and be more natural. If our food needs to be natural, our hair should be natural too.
Why will the evolved man grow a bigger beard?
Because men can’t be prepping and priming. Nowadays we got too many dudes that are chicks and chicks that are dudes.
For more facial hair related oddities head to shaveyourstyle.com
I Attended a Juggalo Wedding at the Gathering of the Juggalos
I Hunted Feral Hogs in Florida as a Favor to the World
My Week with Sydney
Reasons Why Comic-Con Is the Worst Place Ever
An Interview with a Guy Who Can't Sleep Because He Is Afraid of Dying
A Rigged Indian Casino Karaoke Contest Was the Low Point of My Life
The Jim Norton Show: Mike Tyson and Dana White - Part 2
Should We Look at and Share Photos of Dead Civilians in Gaza?
A Few Impressions: Watch James Franco's Short Film, 'The Clerk's Tale,' Based on a Poem by Spencer Reece
One of Our Writers Went on an All-Alcohol Diet for a Week